


I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice

by Blizzaurus



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Christmas Fluff, Even hypothermia can't stop Abby, F/M, Falling In Love, Hurt/Comfort, Marcus is a grumpy lumberjack, Pining, Sharing a Bed, Snowed In, Some angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-09 06:42:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 28,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12882306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blizzaurus/pseuds/Blizzaurus
Summary: Last Christmas Abby lost her husband. This Christmas she is determined to find his best friend and marine comrade Marcus Kane who saved Jake's life in Iraq but disappeared from their life right afterwards. Abby tracks the man to the tiny village of Arkadia in pursuit of an explanation. She discovers that Marcus has isolated himself in his small cabin in the middle of a snowy mountain range, chopping wood for a living.Abby's new mission is to try to draw the sullen, aloof man from his shell while Marcus desperately tries not to fall in love with the stubborn widow pushing her way into his lonely life.Very loosely based on the romance novel A Virgin River Christmas. Will (hopefully!) be updated every day until the 24th of December.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know I have tons of other unfinished fics, but this idea was so season appropriate I just couldn't resist writing it (I promise I'm going to finish the other fics after this one!). I'm going to post a new chapter every day until Christmas which is probably a mad idea, but I'm at least going to try. So expect shorter updates than usually. I hope you like it!

Disapproval was written all over Clarke's face as she watched her mother load the car. Abby could feel her daughter's glare on the back of her head, causing the little ball of guilt at the bottom of her stomach to swell up. 

"I'll be back home for Christmas," she promised once again to the teenager with crossed arms. 

"That's what you said about Thanksgiving. Lexa had set you a plate for nothing."

Abby attempted a smile. "Sweetheart, it was nice of you to extend your girlfriend's invitation to me too, but I told you I'd be fine. I was going to be busy with my search anyway."

Clarke just looked at her with her mouth drawn into a thin line. Abby was secretly disappointed that her daughter didn't pity her as much as the others. Her friends just offered her forced smiles and told her that they were glad "she had found herself a hobby." As long as she was still a grieving widow of a veteran, nobody except her daughter dared to call her mad.

Abby ran her fingers through her hair that was already starting to dampen from the tiny, swirling snowflakes of the coming winter. _How could she make her daughter understand?_

"I have to find him, Clarke. I'm so close, I swear."

Abby wasn't sure if it was her weak voice or the pained expression on her face, but it caused the look in Clarke's eyes to soften.

"Just tell me about this new lead of yours," she sighed. "Has your Marcus Kane actually been spotted?"

"There's a VA clinic in Polis where I met some veterans just as desperate to get in contact with him as I am. I was told that a man without an ID had arrived there one day after hurting himself chopping wood. The description matched him perfectly, the injured lumberjack in need of a tetanus shot had to be Marcus. That means he must be residing somewhere in that area. I'm heading there today."

"Mom, I don't understand why we can't just hire a private detective to find him instead of you going on another wild goose chase across the country to find a man who wants nothing to do with us."

It wasn't surprising that Clarke's voice was laced with a hint of bitterness. Just like Abby, she couldn't understand why Marcus was gone. 

 _Marcus Kane._ Her husband's best friend in the Marines, the man he admired to the ends of the earth and made sure Abby knew it by praising Marcus in every letter she received from his station in Iraq. Jake had told him stories about a fearless leader and one of the bravest, most cool-headed men he'd ever known. It was clear how much Jake respected him based on his extolling words, but they were nothing to his descriptions of Marcus' shining eyes and a gentle laugh that truly convinced Abby of how much Jake cared for him. 

One Christmas when both of the Marines had been on their leave, Jake had invited him over for dinner, and Abby had been excited meet the man she had heard so much about. But Marcus had turned out to be quite different from what she'd expected. The man sitting at the dining table didn't utter two words to her and seemed to have his jaw permanently set in a stern expression. Clarke, who had been twelve at the time, had found the man with a cut on his lip frightening, and Abby just plain unpleasant. After Marcus had given his curt goodbyes, Jake had tried to reassure them.

 _He is actually a good man, just a bit closed off_ , he had told. _He would risk life and limb for his men._

And Marcus had done exactly that.

Before Jake's passing Marcus had saved his life, dragged his body to a medical transport through gunfire. He'd given Abby a few more years to love Jake, only to never be seen or heard of again. He dropped out of the Marines and stopped answering Abby's letters, seemingly having disappeared for good.  

"I have to see him for myself, make sure he's alright. There is so much I need to tell him," Abby said, recalling the last time she'd seen him. She could never forget the expression on his face at the hospital as he'd looked at Jake. Abby gulped, chasing away the painful memory.

Clarke still seemed unconvinced.

"Besides, I have to give him the baseball cards," Abby continued, showing her the small album she'd kept in her car ever since she'd started looking for Marcus.

"Those damn baseball cards," Clarke let out a groan. "Dad would never shut up about his collection."

"Apparently Marcus wouldn't either. That's why I want to give them to him." Abby said, smiling a sad little smile at the album in her hands.

"I won't pretend that this is in any way a good idea. But because you're my mother, I'm crossing my fingers for you. Just give that jackass the cards and come back for the Christmas dinner."

 _I'm not going to come back without him_ , Abby thought while starting the car. But Clarke didn't need to know that. 

"I love you so much," Abby called out from the window and waved Clarke goodbye. "Love you too," Clarke said with a worried look on her face, and Abby's car pulled away.

She was finally on her way, feeling more hopeful than ever. She glanced at the picture she'd stuck to her windscreen. It was the only one she had of Marcus. In the picture, Jake and Marcus were in their BDUs, rifle straps over their shoulders, Jake grinning, Marcus frowning.

"You're not going to escape me this time," Abby said and playfully flicked her thumb over Marcus's face. The man in the picture stared sternly back at her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments! I might not have time to respond to them because of the intense pace I'm updating this fic, but I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate each and every one of them. They really keep me going.

There were a disappointingly lot of small towns in the proximity of the VA faculty in Polis. Abby was starting to feel like she'd already visited all of them as she drove her car through the fifth one marked for today. Arkadia. The town had barely 600 residents, and they all seemed to be gathered around a huge fir tree set up in the town square. It seemed like there was some sort of a tree trimming festival going on; the adults were enjoying hot drinks and trying to decorate the tree while the kids kept running around, laughing and tearing down the ornaments they disliked. Abby smiled at the sight. There was certain magic about small towns around Christmas time. 

A kind-looking man sitting on the steps of a cabin took notice of Abby as she parked her car in front of the building. 

"A new face. That's not a sight you experience often," he smiled at Abby who had stepped out of the vehicle.

"I'm afraid I'm just passing through," Abby said. "I'm actually looking for someone. Is there a chance you might have seen this man?" 

She showed the man the picture of Marcus. He scrunched up his brow while studying it.

"He might not look exactly the same," Abby said quickly. "He might've put on weight, gone bald or something. I haven't seen him in four years."

The man shook his head. "I can't say I've seen him. But you picked a good day to come 'round asking. Everybody has come to the town center to help decorate the Christmas tree and soon the participants all gather up in my diner to get a warm meal as their reward. You can get yourself something to eat and ask some questions, someone must have seen your guy."

"Thank you, but I wouldn't want to intrude—"

"Nonsense. You're free to join us, you look like you could use little stuffing between your bones. I'm Sinclair," he said and offered her his hand.

Abby took it with a touched smile on her face that probably revealed how hungry she truly was. She'd only had time to grab something quick before hitting the road.

"I'm Abby."

"Nice to meet you, Abby," the man smiled. He turned towards a boy and a girl walking towards them in midst of a fierce squabble. "Octavia dear, could you stop bickering with your brother for one second and come meet our visitor?"

"A visitor?" Octavia asked with wide eyes. 

"Indeed. She's looking for— hmmm, a long lost love perhaps?

Abby laughed. "The story's a bit more complicated than that."

She showed Octavia the photo, and the girl's mouth curved into an excited smile as she saw the military uniforms. She turned to her brother.

"You know what, Bell? The cherry picker can wait, this is far more interesting than who gets put up the tree-topper."

As if summoned, other people started approaching them while giving Abby interested looks.

"I think it's time for us to retreat to the diner," Sinclair chuckled.

* * *

 Soon Abby found herself surrounded by the townsfolk in the warmth of the diner. Sinclair and Octavia were introducing her to so many people at once that she could hardly keep up.

"This is my wife Callie," Sinclair pointed at a very pregnant woman sitting on a barstool. She smiled warmly at Abby. "And that's—"

"That's my brother Bellamy," Octavia interrupted. "And there's his girlfriend Raven, best mechanic in the whole town."

"Not much of a compliment," Raven muttered while Bellamy lovingly rubbed her shoulder. 

"There's Hannah Green and her son Monty. There's Jackson, our local nurse. Oh, and that one with a beer in his hand is Roan, next to him is Lincoln and his aunt Indra."

Roan raised his mug and flashed Abby a grin, Lincoln gave her a shy smile and Indra just a nod. She was the only one who seemed slightly apprehensive of her. 

When everyone was acquainted, Abby was overwhelmed by an onslaught of kindness. 

"Have a cup of stew."

"Why are still standing, darling? There's a seat for you right here."

"Do you want to hold Finn? Of course you want to hold Finn, he's adorable."

Before she even knew it, she had been sat down on the chair with a baby on her knee. Everyone's eyes were directed towards her. 

"I'm looking for my late husband's best friend," she managed to sputter out.

Marcus' picture passed from hand to hand while Abby explained. "I lost all contact with him four years ago. The last time anyone saw him was when he briefly visited his mother before disappearing for good. I must have called through every registry in this country but information about his whereabouts simply doesn't exist."

Jackson squinted at the picture in his hands. "Are you even sure you want to find this guy? He looks kinda scary to me, and if he's a vet he might have all sort of issues. You might not be safe with him." 

"Marcus would never hurt me," Abby said quickly. She looked down at the table, feeling somewhat embarrassed. "We used to send each other letters after Jake was hurt. I know it might sound crazy, but I think I really got to know him that way. He had a firm, steady handwriting that always made me feel safe for some reason. He always chose the kindest, most beautiful words to comfort me. He may have appeared gruff on the outside, but it felt like he was actually a warm person and genuinely cared for me. Or at least that's what I thought," she said bitterly. 

A silence fell upon the room until the quietest member of the group finally spoke up.

"I think I know this man," Indra said, clutching the picture in her hands.

Abby's head immediately shot up. 

"I don't have a plow or a working tractor up where I live, so a man always shows up after a heavy snowfall like a clockwork to clear up my road. I have never asked him to do it, but still, he shows up every time. Whenever I ask for him to come in for dinner he just grunts at me, doesn't want to hear my thanks or tell me his name. An odd, rude fellow."

"What does he look like?"

"Like the marine in the picture, but he has a longer hair and a beard. He's definitely the same man."

Abby couldn't hide her wide grin. "I better get going right now to reach him," she said, passing the cooing baby in her arms to Bellamy. "Thank you for everything."

"No, no, no, sit! You're far better off making the trip to the mountains at daylight," Callie said, pulling her back to her seat.

There were words of protest welling up her throat. She wanted to see Marcus as soon as possible, to get it over with.

"It's just that—"

"Why is it so important for you to find him?" A man named Jaha asked curtly.

Abby let out a tiny sigh.

"That's going to be a long story."

Octavia leaned forward with a curious glint in her eyes.

"We're all ears."

 


	3. Chapter 3

Jake and Abby had married at 21. At 22 Abby had fallen pregnant with Clarke while Jake had enlisted in the Marines, quickly making a career out of it. She hadn't minded her husband's choice. It was what Jake had wanted to do, and she'd accepted it. Even though he'd had to spend long stretches of time abroad, he'd always been a loving father and a husband; he'd taken a whole year off for Clarke's birth and always traveled stateside for Christmas and his daughter's birthdays.

Still, Abby had missed Jake terribly. But at least she'd had his letters. Jake had a special talent for capturing all the fun and light details of his day that made it seem like he'd never even left. 

When Jake had been stationed in Fallujah, Iraq, he'd quickly started mentioning a fellow sergeant named Marcus Kane in his letters. At first, Abby had suspected it to be a bad case of hero worship; Marcus had seemed faultless in Jake's eyes. Jake had told her that Marcus led their men with only strength and bravery, and was there for them whether they were up their necks in a fight or crying over a letter of their loved one. Abby wouldn't have been surprised if Jake in his next letter had praised how Marcus was able to lift a whole car with his bare hands. 

As the years had gone on, Jake and Marcus' bond had seemed to grow and deepen. Jake had mentioned him in his every letter but had no longer glorified him. He'd told Abby about their inside jokes, how much Marcus missed his mother, or how he sang in the shower much to the chagrin of the others. More than once Abby had smiled while reading about Marcus.

Even though Marcus hadn't given Abby an exactly great impression when she had finally met him, she'd appreciated his and Jake's friendship. She'd felt every bit as afraid as Jake when he'd written to her that a bullet had grazed Marcus, and relieved when the man had made a quick recovery. She'd been starting to become oddly attached to the tight-lipped, sullen man from her Christmas dinner just through Jake's letters.

Abby had received her last message from Jake when she'd been 36. Jake had told her about his baseball collection with excruciating detail and how he was thinking of trading with Marcus. Abby had fondly rolled her eyes the first time reading the letter but had later reread it countless of times with tears in her eyes.

The next time she'd heard of Jake she'd been informed of his serious injury. The details had been fuzzy. Apparently, there had been a car bomb and a grenade, and Jake had been thrown 20 feet in the air by the explosion. Marcus had saved his life; he'd hefted the unconscious man in his arms and dragged him to the helicopter, despite having been hit himself. Jake had been taken straight to surgery, and later flown to Germany for better care. Marcus had stayed behind in Iraq.

It hadn't looked good. When Abby had arrived in Germany to see Jake, he'd been conscious but unresponsive. _Spinal cord injury and brain damage_ , the doctors had told her. 

The first letter from Marcus hadn't arrived long after. His kind, encouraging words had made Abby tear up and become even more fond of him. Marcus had kept sending her letters and Abby had responded to each one of them. His concern of his friend had been so deep that she'd wanted to deliver him only the hopeful news; Jake had started physiotherapy, he didn't need respirator anymore, he'd almost smiled to her one day. 

Finally, Jake had been transported to Washington D.C. and Marcus had been able to visit them. Abby had thrown her hands around him the very second he had stepped into the room and surprisingly, Marcus had firmly embraced her back and buried his face in her hair. However, the soft expression on his face had receded when he'd seen Jake. 

Abby had watched how the man had stroked Jake's face while murmuring his name over and over again. Jake had made no sign that he was even aware of Marcus' presence. The next time Marcus had spoken his voice had been far from the steady, firm one he had used with her that far.

"He isn't going to recover, is he?" he'd asked.

When Abby had given him the negative answer, the look in his eyes had been haunting. He had quickly tugged his jacket back on. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he'd sputtered and stalked out of the room.

Abby had never seen him again.

* * *

The crowd in the diner was completely silent as she finished her story. 

"Still want to join the army?" Bellamy asked his sister. Octavia shot him a glare.

"But what happened with Jake?" someone asked.

"I had to fight tooth and nail to get him brought home to my care, but eventually I succeeded. Jake spent the last remaining years of his life with his family. He quietly passed away last Christmas."

Sinclair laid his hand over hers and gave it a tender squeeze. Abby smiled softly at him. "It's okay. Me and Clarke had already gotten used to the idea of him eventually being gone. When it finally happened, we were only relieved it was painless and he had been loved all the way through."

"I can't understand why Marcus wasn't there for you during that time," Roan said, his brow furrowed.

"That's the reason I want to find him, to know _why_. But I suspect that he didn't get out of Iraq entirely intact either. I want to know how he is doing, and what he's trying to run away from. I don't think neither of us can heal properly without me getting closure and him facing his issues."

"But what if he doesn't want to see you?"

Abby managed a weak grin.

"Then I'll be his worst nightmare until he comes around."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit later than usual, sorry!

Sinclair and Callie were kind enough to let Abby crash on their couch for the night. They even gently shoved her back the money she'd tried to discreetly leave on their kitchen counter.

"You've thanked us more than enough. We wouldn't have helped you if didn't sincerely want this reunion to happen." Callie said to her. "Now, take this casserole to him. The poor man must be starving, living up there all alone."

Abby accepted Callie's Tupperware container with a smile. "I'll be sure to do it."

When she was finally ready to leave, most of the town seemed to be present to see her off. It was touching, but Abby knew that they wouldn't be there if there was anything, even a little bit more exciting going on in the neighborhood.

"Good luck!" Jackson called out.

"Let us know if you manage to find him," Raven said.

"And if you have even the tiniest suspicion that he is a serial killer, don't hesitate to kick him in the groin and make a run for it," Bellamy offered.

Octavia next to him sulked. The girl would've wanted Abby to take her with her to see the "scary" marine. 

Abby laughed and waved them goodbye.

Even though Marcus' location had been confirmed, she still had a lot of work ahead of her. There were dozens of small, secluded roads near Indra's house that all might be concealing an uncharted cabin or two. It could take a whole day for her to find Marcus' hideout.

She set to work. With a map in her lap she combed through all the drivable paths and knocked on every single human dwelling she managed to find in the mountainous area.

But nothing. The cabins were either uninhabited or the people she asked for advice just scratched their head while looking at Marcus' photo.

The fear that Marcus couldn't be found at all was starting to creep up to her as the day went on. Either she'd already passed by his cabin or he lived somewhere else entirely, and Indra had been mistaken. But she wouldn't return empty-handed. She couldn't bear the thought of her daughter's sympathetic, but unsurprised expression or the disappointment of the townsfolk.

So she stepped down the gas, causing the snow beneath the wheels to happily spurt around. She decided she would keep going until her car would die, and then she would continue her search by foot.

* * *

A reckless decision, as she later noted.

Her gas was running extremely low as she turned to a road she wasn't even sure she hadn't checked already. It was dark, she was tired, and it was starting snow heavily. Seeking out shelter was starting to become a more pressing goal than finding Marcus.

She almost teared up in relief when she saw a small cabin with lights on at the end of the road. The resident would hopefully have gas for her to borrow so that she could get back to the town, albeit defeated. 

There was a dark figure pushing a wheelbarrow to the small house. _A lumberjack_ , Abby supposed based on his strong build. His head shot up as he noticed Abby's headlights. She lifted her hand up in a greeting and stopped the car when she was near enough for the person to walk up to her.

She stepped out. "I was wondering if you could help me? I was looking for my friend and now my gas is almost out—"

Abby didn't manage to finish her sentence or dig up the photo from her bag. She froze as she saw the astonished eyes gazing back at her. She'd been staring at his picture long enough to recognize that hue of brown anywhere.

It was Marcus. He had a shaggy beard with grey patches in it, and his hair was long enough for him to tie it back into a small bun, but he still had the same cut on his upper lip and towered over her in a familiar way. 

"Abby?" he asked with a shaky voice.

"Marcus!" she exclaimed in awe. "I can't believe I actually found you."

She didn't know if she wanted to fling her arms around him out of sheer joy of seeing him again or clutch him at the shoulders and start immediately demanding answers. But Marcus didn't let her do either.

He turned his back on her. Abby watched in disbelief as the man stalked away from her like she was air.

She ran up to him, grabbing his shoulder. "Marcus!"

He didn't budge.

"I haven't heard from you in years and came all the way here to see you!"

Marcus just flashed her a cold glare. "You have seen me now. So go."

He turned away from her again and started fumbling with the lock of his cabin.

"Wait!" Abby tried but the man had already slipped inside and slammed the door shut to her face. Abby was left facing the door with her jaw hanging open.

She knocked on the wooden surface, first lightly and politely. After receiving no response her second knock was a little bit firmer. Nothing happened. Her thumping became louder and louder until she was pounding her tiny fists against the wood. She eventually gave the door a final kick and let out a frustrated cry.

She'd expected Marcus to be somewhat cold at first, yes, but she'd never considered that the man would outright reject her.

Abby had no choice but to return to her car, seething with rage. Before stepping in, she hesitated and decided to throw one last glance at the cabin windows.

She could see Marcus peering at her from behind the curtains, waiting for her to start the car and drive away. Abby quirked her eyebrow at him. When he noticed her staring back at him he yanked the curtains back shut.

She sat into the driver's seat with an amused smile on her face. _Two could play this game._

If Marcus wasn't going to talk to her, she would wait in his yard until he caved in.

She turned on the heating and leaned back on her seat. She might as well make herself comfortable. She took out Callie's casserole and started nibbling it, every now and then glancing at the windows to see if Marcus was still watching her. She could swear she saw flashes of Marcus' frustrated glare at regular intervals.

Abby smirked. If he'd expected her to give up that easily, he clearly knew nothing of her.


	5. Chapter 5

Marcus took a quick peek out of the window once again. Abby was still sitting in the car. She'd finished eating and was now reading a magazine with no hurry in the world. Marcus bit back a curse. Some people just couldn't give up in time.

She hadn't changed much. She was still just as bright-eyed, determined, and _tiny_. Tinier than he'd remembered. He could whisk her over his shoulder in a heartbeat and carry her off his property. 

Not that he planned on doing that.

He couldn't help but be angry at her. He'd hid so thoroughly that people should've gotten the hint that he wanted to be left alone. But there Abby was, loitering in his yard like some malicious midget. What good did she think she'd achieve by coming here? If she'd done half the things he had, he certainly wouldn't seek her out to haunt her of the past.

He was perfectly content here, up in the mountains, _alone_. He wasn't the happiest man in the world, but did he even have the right to be? It was not his right to pick up where Jake had left off and thrive.

It had been Marcus who had led the team that fateful night in Fallujah. It had been his carelessness that had put Jake in harm's way.

Still, he'd accepted metals for saving him and had taken Jake's wife in his arms to comfort her.

It hadn't been a proper enough punishment to watch his best friend rendered to only a shell of what he once had been, laying emaciated on the hospital bed, staring off into space while his beautiful wife was right there in his field of vision. Abby had been paler, and thinner too, but still she'd smiled at him. That had pierced his heart the most.

He'd left the Marines the same night he'd walked out of the hospital Jake had been kept in. He'd cashed his last paycheck, shoved the money into an envelope and slipped it under the door of the Griffin house. He'd hopped into his car and had driven and driven until his fingers had been numb around the steering wheel.

Somehow he'd ended up in this tiny cabin.

However, he never quite succeeded in escaping his past. Abby didn't stop writing to him to his mother's address, and Vera kept forwarding her letters to him. Only she knew where he was, but she'd vowed not to reveal the location to anyone, no matter the person who asked. Abby had most likely visited her but still, his mother hadn't done anything more than deliver a new stack of letters to him twice in a year from Abby, and being the masochistic bastard he was, Marcus had read every word. He suspected that passing the letters forward was his mother's way of hinting that he should get in touch with Abby and be there for her during this time. He knew perfectly well that it should have been his duty to take care of Jake's widow and his child after everything he'd done.

But he couldn't. He had no right to step into Jake's shoes, especially not when...

Marcus took another glance at Abby's car from behind the curtains. If she knew what kind of a terrifying power she truly held over him, she'd be long gone. 

He slumped down into his armchair, running his hands over his face. _Think anything else but the woman outside_ , he commanded himself and turned on the radio. Besides a few books, he didn't have a lot of entertainment at hand, but he could always count on his radio to numb down most of his dark thoughts.

For a while, it worked. He left himself be drifted away by the music and the monotonous voices of the radio announcers. 

Only at the weather report, he opened his eyes with a start. "...looking a lot like a forming snowstorm. It's heading towards Southwest as I speak..."

Marcus pinched his eyes shut. _Shit_.

He shot up from the chair back to the window, this time his eyes not immediately falling on Abby's car but up to the skies. The snowfall was getting extremely heavy, and the visibility was low.

Marcus searched for Abby and saw that there was already a thin coat of snow on top of the car. The woman had to be absolutely mad to still stay inside. He gritted his teeth at the sight. _Why hadn't she driven away?_

He pulled his jacket back on and ventured outside. The wind greeted him by throwing freezing snow to his face. Cursing and wiping his face, he staggered over to Abby's car and yanked the door open.

She nonchalantly lifted her gaze from the magazine she'd been reading as if she'd been interrupted in any other place than a snow-covered car in the middle of a yard that didn't belong to her. But what infuriated Marcus the most was that the air inside the car was cool, and Abby was huddled in a blanket. 

"Hello again," she said with a dry voice.

"How long have you been sitting in a cold car?" 

"The gas just ran out," Abby said matter-of-factly, her breath turning into mist in the freezing air. 

"Why didn't you tell me you were low on gas?" Marcus asked, his voice gaining a high pitch.

"I did, actually, but you didn't want to hear it," she said sharply. "Which was rather rude of you since it seems like my car is about to get buried in snow." 

Marcus bit back a groan. It seemed like the infuriating woman would've gladly frozen to death before admitting defeat.

"Get inside!" he hissed.

There was a fierce flash in Abby's eyes. "Ask politely."

"Oh, for god's sake—" 

Marcus slung his arms around her dainty body. She let out a tiny, surprised yelp as she was yanked up in the air from her seat. He took a secure hold of her and started carrying her to his cabin while the biting wind kept slapping him in the face.

"I would've come along anyway, if only you had asked," Abby grunted in his arms. Marcus tightened his grip on her.

Abby Griffin and a snowstorm in the same night. The universe had a hell of a sense of humor when distributing the forces of nature.


	6. Chapter 6

Marcus plopped Abby unceremoniously down into his shabby armchair. The poor thing looked so old and worn Abby feared it would give up on her.

He was shrugging snow off his jacket when she remembered that something vital was missing.

"What about my suitcase?"

If looks could kill, Abby would already be six feets under.

"I'm not going back for your suitcase. You're not going to stay long enough to need anything from it."

Abby rose up. "I'm going to go get it anyway."

Marcus blocked her path, crossing his arms with a stern expression on his face. 

Abby sighed. "I'm not going to settle down here if that's what you're afraid of. I just need a fresh set of panties for tomorrow. Unless you happen to have some underwear from any female visitors lying around..."

"I— I don't," Marcus said, flustered. Without laying another look at her, he marched back into the storm. 

_That was quick._

When Abby was left alone, she studied the insides of the cabin with great interest. There was a small stove in the corner spreading warmth to the room. There was also a sink, a table with a radio on it, a narrow bed, a small closet and a bookcase. She couldn't see doors leading to other rooms. 

_Was this all?_

Marcus certainly hadn't allowed himself any extra comforts. Abby couldn't even spot a fridge.

The door opened and Marcus stepped in with her handbag in his arms. He shoved it to Abby. 

She was grateful to have her handbag from the car, but it wasn't what she'd asked for. Marcus had apparently underestimated how much women pack for their trips and had mistaken her handbag for her suitcase. That one was still in the car, but judging by the look on Marcus' face it wouldn't be wise to bring that fact up anytime soon. 

Abby watched in silence as the man shed off his clothes. She was here, and Marcus was unable to escape because of the snowstorm, but still, she found it hard to open her mouth and unburden her heart when she finally had the chance.

"Marcus—"

"No. I'm not in the mood for a conversation. Not now, not ever. I'm driving you to the town the first thing in the morning, and then we never have to see each other again."

Abby frowned. "Are you seriously saying that you're never going to talk to me?"

"Precisely. Good night."

Marcus crawled into his bed and pulled the covers over him, signaling the end of the discussion.

Abby sighed. Fighting could wait until tomorrow, she was feeling tired too. She looked around the room.

"Where am I going to sleep?"

"You're free to choose any spot on the floor," Marcus said and turned his back to her. 

_And they say chivalry is dead._

Abby pondered over her options. She could either try to sleep in the armchair or settle down on the carpet near the stove. She chose the latter. She'd rather be uncomfortable but warm so she curled up on the floor. She hoped that tomorrow she could get Marcus to open up.

She listened to his soft breathing and the sounds of the storm before eventually drifting off with hope in her heart.

* * *

Abby was slowly blinking her eyes open in the morning. At first, she wasn't sure where she was, but the hard floor underneath her brought her quickly back to reality. She was a visitor in a cabin belonging to a man who wanted nothing more than to have her gone.

However, she noticed to her delight that Marcus had draped his duvet over her while she'd slept. Maybe he wasn't too hard to melt, after all. Abby lifted her head to search for the man with her gaze, but wrenched it around as soon as she saw something she definitely shouldn't have seen. 

Marcus was standing at the sink, rubbing a soapy cloth around his neck, completely naked. Abby had caught a glimpse of his muscular back before she'd forced her eyes away. 

"What are you doing?" she said, shielding her eyes. 

"Washing up. That's what people usually do in the mornings," Marcus muttered.

"But you're—, I'm—"

"What's the matter?"

Abby couldn't believe she had to spell it out for him. "It would've been nice if you had woken me up and said: I'm going to get naked now, is that okay?" 

" _Is that okay_?" Marcus repeated with an incredulous pitch in his voice. "This is _my_ cabin. I'm not going to change my routine just because you decided to invade my home. I do this every day, every morning. You can close your eyes if it makes you uncomfortable. "

It didn't make Abby exactly uncomfortable, but it was getting harder and harder keep her eyes away from his impressive physique.

"Don't you have a bathroom...?" Abby asked, and immediately wanted to take it back. The whole cabin seemed to consist of this one room, and she couldn't blame Marcus for taking care of himself. He had to do it somewhere, after all. 

"I don't have a bathroom, nor a shower, not even an indoor toilet," Marcus listed. "There's no plumbing at this altitude."

_No running water?_

Abby was suddenly very interested in getting out of this cabin. She rose up and walked to the door to check the situation with her car.

She opened the door and was faced with a wall of white.

"We're snowed in," Marcus grunted. "I'm not happy about it either."

Abby turned her head towards him, having forgotten his state of undress. This time she had a long enough look for the image to etch forever into her memory. 

"Please put some clothes on," she pleaded, fixing her eyes on the wall. 

"I was just going to."

Marcus shuffled into his clothes as slowly as possible even when he knew that Abby was waiting. She had never understood how some men could stalk around naked in front of others completely shame-free, almost proud of themselves.

Although Marcus  _did_ have something to be proud of, Abby recalled and immediately flushed furiously red at her own thoughts. 

"You can look now," Marcus said after a while, perhaps a hint of remorse in his voice. Abby turned to look at him and noticed that he had his jacket on. "I'm going outside," he explained.

"Outside? Didn't you see the doorwa-"

Abby glanced at the snow blocking their only way out, and only then realized that they were trapped. There was no way they could claw their way back out through that thick wall of snow. She was going to die here, practically alone since Marcus refused to speak to her. What a humiliating way to go.

Marcus seemed to be able to sense her fears because something almost impossible happened; he cracked a smile.

"Don't worry, we're not going to die _here_. This has happened before, I'm just going to climb out and shovel us a path out."

"Climb out from where?"

Marcus pointed at the window near the ceiling with an amused expression on his face. It looked like it was specifically designed as an emergency exit.

"Oh," Abby said, giving him an embarrassed smile. For a moment Marcus smiled slightly back at her, but soon his expression turned cold again as if he'd caught himself off guard and corrected himself.

"This might take a while," he said gruffly, grabbing a shovel that was leaning against the wall.

 _Indeed_ , Abby thought as she watched the man walk away from her with hunched shoulders.  _This might take a while._


	7. Chapter 7

Marcus spent the better part of the morning shoveling through the snowbank in front of the door. Abby followed the process eagerly from the window. 

The moment the door was finally able to be opened Abby ran past him to the outhouse. She'd never intended on relieving herself in the pot Marcus had pointed out for her. After the long-awaited toilet run, she asked if he needed any help. As an answer, Marcus just grunted. Abby returned inside, not knowing what she'd expected. 

Marcus started working on digging up Abby's car just as it started snowing again. Relentlessly, he still pursued his mission even though the situation looked hopeless. The car would be covered in snow regardless of how much he shovelled it away. Abby found some canned goods and feasted on cold tuna while she waited for him to give up. 

When he came back inside, defeated and red-nosed, he was faced with Abby and a hot cup of tea she'd managed to make by heating water from one of his canisters.

Marcus looked at her, then at the cup of tea in her hands. He uttered only one word. 

"No."

"It's just tea," Abby said, exasperated.

"I know where that'll lead me," Marcus said with a furrowed brow.

"If you're not going to drink it, at least eat something!"

Marcus grabbed himself and a jar of pickles from the table and walked away from Abby. He slumped into his ragged armchair, looking just as uneager to talk as yesterday. But it didn't mean Abby wouldn't at least try.

"I need to tell you something about Jake."

Just mentioning his name made Marcus visibly tense.

"I don't know if you knew, but he passed away a year ago," she said slowly, studying his expression. 

A silence.

"We have to talk about it," Abby pleaded.

"No."

All the color had drained from Marcus' face. He kept shaking his head, avoiding Abby's gaze at all costs. "No," he repeated, rising up and abandoning his jar. He turned back towards the door.

"Are you actually going out again?" Abby asked, watching the swirling snow from the window. It was looking like another storm was brewing.

Without answering, Marcus opened the door and stepped outside. 

It seemed that he'd rather go back to the snowstorm than have a real conversation with her. _A damned manchild_ , Abby thought, gritting her teeth. 

She walked to the window to see what he was doing. Marcus had resumed attacking the snow with his shovel even though the wind kept pushing more and more in his way. 

Abby sighed, shaking her head.

When he finally returned inside after hours, he went straight to his bed, not laying one look at her. Abby settled down on the floor and wrapped herself up in Marcus' duvet he hadn't demanded back yet. She dried her eyes into the soft fabric. It was harder and harder to keep positive now that she was facing another day trapped in the cabin with him. 

She dreamed of a hot shower and clean clothes.

* * *

The hell continued for three days. Snow kept on coming and keeping them inside, all the while Marcus continued ignoring her, retreating outside to shovel up snow whenever Abby even looked like she'd open her mouth. On top of that, he still rose up early every morning, stripped, and began to wash himself. Abby directed her eyes up in the ceiling in annoyance.

She wondered how he'd react if she started waltzing around the cabin naked. _Probably escape outside like always_ , Abby though with a smile which faded quickly away. She didn't want him out the cabin. She wanted him inside, planted in a chair next to her and _talking_. At this point, Abby didn't even need him to talk about Jake. Even small-talk about the weather would suffice.

The nudity was part of a bigger problem. He was living his life as if Abby wasn't even there. He only acknowledged her presence if he had to tell her that the yard still wasn't cleared up. He didn't even offer her an emphatic "no" anymore as she tried to broach any topic of conversation. He just turned his back to her and kept silent.

What had been cold indifference at first was starting to morph into full-on detestation on Marcus' part. Abby wasn't sure if she could bear it. 

She was tired. Tired of this cold, cramped cabin, tired of sleeping on the floor, tired of her dirty clothes, tired of being completely ignored. She didn't even have enough reception up here to call Clarke. She had absolutely nothing else to do than to resort to the thing she did whenever she was at her absolute lowest. She reached out for her wallet and folded out a letter she'd kept tucked away there for years.

The edges were jagged, and the writing was faded but she'd probably remember the words by heart even if the letter had been in worse condition.

 

 _You, Clarke and Jake are in my heart for every second of the day. If it were up to me, I'd already_ be _on my way over there. I want Jake to smile at me again, see how much Clarke has grown, and experience your teasing in person._

_We've been writing to each other so long I can almost hear you in my head as I read your letters. But not quite. I wish to hear your voice again. It's been so long since the only time we saw, and I doubt I properly expressed how highly I thought of you at the time._

_In all honesty, your strength leaves me in awe. I don't have enough words to express how much I admire your willpower and unwavering hope. You could make even a man like myself believe that everything was going to be okay. Jake found himself the most extraordinary wife._

_May we meet again,_

_Marcus_

 

Tears sprang to her eyes. How could the soldier who wrote this and the recluse she'd been living with be the same man?

She didn't have time to wipe her cheeks before Marcus had already stepped back into the cabin after another shoveling session.

"What's wrong?" he asked, breaking his days-long silence.

She crumpled up the letter in her hands. "I give up. You are never going to talk to me and obliviously hate me with every fiber of your being. And you know what? The feeling is starting to become mutual."

The man looked at her speechlessly. 

"I dont—" he tried. He clenched his jaw and started again. "I don't want—"

"—me here?" Abby finished for him, staggering up to her feet. "Fine, you get your wish."

She marched past him to the door, pulling on her coat.

"Where are you going?"

"Out," Abby hissed. 

"Don't be too long, it's getting cold," Marcus said. If she wasn't fully aware of how much he detested her, she would've mistaken the quiver of his voice as concern. But she knew better.


	8. Chapter 8

The very first thing Abby did was wade through the snow to her car and try the handle. The vehicle was still partly covered in snow, but Abby hoped she'd get her suitcase from the back seat if nothing else. However, the door had been frozen shut and no matter how hard she pulled, it wouldn't budge. 

At least she had her handbag. Marcus hadn't probably noticed that it was missing since he hadn't already gone after her.

Abby stood in the snowy bank and looked up to the winding road ahead of her. She wouldn't stay another second in that cabin, and if it meant walking down until she got reception on her cellphone, so be it. She left Marcus' yard without looking back.

She walked for what seemed like hours. The thick layer of snow made every movement slower, but she was glad she hadn't tried to hijack Marcus' pickup truck. Even that monster of a vehicle would've gotten stuck in this weather.

Abby tightened the scarf around her neck. The wind was picking up and the road had no end in sight. She was starting to lose the sensation in her toes; they felt like aching, heavy ice cubes in her boots. But she didn't want to focus on that. The last thing she wanted to do was to panic and run tail between her legs back to Marcus who probably hadn't even noticed she'd left.

After another long stretch of walking Abby's mind was starting to become foggy. She tried to once again to open her phone, but her fingers were so numb even after having been covered in gloves that her iPhone wouldn't register their touch. She made another attempt at typing in her passcode. Her hands were shaking so hard the whole phone slipped from her fingers and thudded down onto the ground. She stared at the device out of her reach and had an odd urge to burst into hysterical giggles. 

Abby tried to pick it up but ended up stumbling forward and falling to her knees on the snow. She didn't mind; the snow was soft and inviting so she ended up lowering her whole body on the ground. Maybe she could just lay here for a while. She felt exhausted after so much walking. After a moment of rest, she would surely keep going. 

She ripped off her knit cap and scarf which were starting to feel uncomfortably hot and opened up her coat. She breathed a sigh of relief as the cool air hit her skin. Much better. 

Her eyes fluttered shut.

* * *

 

Abby still wasn't back and Marcus was starting to feel anxious.

She had to be thoroughly pissed at him in order to avoid him for this long, and Marcus really couldn't blame her. He'd treated her horrendously. 

But ends justified the means. The more unwelcoming he was, the quicker Abby would realize that he couldn't be redeemed and leave. He wasn't worth her time and effort, nobody needed a dead weight like him in their life.

And Abby... she deserved the best. 

It started to snow again, and Marcus grew even more worried. He hoped he hadn't gone so far that Abby preferred shivering in the snow to his company. AS he started tugging on his jacket, he noticed a crumpled up paper ball on the floor. Marcus kneeled to pick it up, remembering that Abby had been reading it just before leaving.

Not before long his hands were trembling as he read the words he had written to her so long ago. Marcus cursed at his past self. _Had I actually made it that obvious that I..._

He discarded the letter. He looked up for Abby's bag to see if she had any more of those with her.

_Her bag was gone._

In an instant, he'd stormed outside, his jacket half-buttoned. 

Both of their cars were still in the yard, which caused a sharp twinge of fear in Marcus' guts. _She couldn't have started walking down, could she?_ The nearest other house was miles away from here. 

"Abby!" he roared.

The sound echoed in the woods but gained no answer.

"Abby!" he tried again, more desperately. He started jogging down the road. She'd only been out for an hour and a half so she couldn't be too far, but who knew what kind of damage her flimsy city-coat could have done to her. At least her boots had to be soaked through by wading in the snow.

He kept calling Abby's name and tightened his pace. He should've told her that there were mountain lions in this area so that she wouldn't have attempted this.

He should've told her a lot of things if she was...

No, he couldn't entertain the option.

He hadn't felt this afraid since Fallujah, since Jake. He didn't want to revisit those memories but they kept him moving faster so he forced his mind to come back to them again and again until he half-expected to find Jake's blood-soaked body down the road.

Instead, he found Abby lying on the snow in a sleep-like position. Marcus had to bite his tongue not to let out a sob. Breaking down wouldn't help anyone.

He kneeled by her side. There were snowflakes in her hair and lashes and Marcus wiped them away with his fingers. She was pale. So terrifyingly pale. 

He pressed his palm to her forehead and confirmed his suspicions. Her body temperature had to be several grades lower. He noticed that she'd abandoned her cap and scarf and had opened up her jacket which was soaked through by the snow. The sight made his throat constrict.  _No. Don't do this to me._

He hefted her in his arms and started running so fast his lungs burned. He had only one thought in his mind.

_This is my fault._


	9. Chapter 9

Marcus kicked the door of his cabin open and rushed in with Abby in his arms. He hastily lowered her onto the armchair and ran to feed the fire in the stove. He must have shoved half of his whole wood supply into the firebox before he forced himself to return to Abby. With a loud, grating noise, he dragged the armchair with her in it to the proximity of the stove.

He did something he hadn't done in years; he sent up a quick prayer before checking her pulse.

It was weak, but it was _there._ Marcus almost collapsed to his knees in relief. But she wasn't in the clear yet. He started removing her wet, cold clothes as fast as he could and discarding them onto the floor. Her coat and jeans were quickly off, followed by her boots. Marcus was grateful that she hadn't pulled them off in her confusion, they might just have saved her feet from frostbite. He rolled off her pantyhose and gently pulled her blouse over her head.

He knew what he had to do in the lack of a better treatment. He started ripping off his own clothes, and once he was in his underwear he took Abby in his arms. She felt limp and frail against him as he once again lifted her and carried her to the bed. He carefully lowered her onto the mattress and followed down with her, pulling her against his chest to share his body heat with her. He held her tenderly against him, careful not to move her any more than it was necessary.

He kept her in his arms for hours until her breathing steadied and her skin started to feel warmer. He reluctantly let go of her, feeling a tight throb in his chest at the sight of her unconscious form. She should be waking up by now. He started gathering together every single blanket and warm piece of clothing he could find in the tiny cabin. He slipped one of his old, worn sweaters on her, covered her in quilts and lowered her head gently to rest on the pillow.

He wasn't sure if he'd done enough as he watched Abby in her miserable condition, looking tinier than ever in the sea of fabric. He cursed himself for not having any further medical knowledge or supplies. He always thought that only some needles, thread and aspirin were necessary in case he hurt himself while chopping wood. Other ailments he just toughened out.

 _I don't even have a phone to call a_ _doctor_ , he realized.

He buried his head in his hands. He had failed to protect her. He though that staying away from her would be the best for her, but now he realized that his isolation and lack of hospitality had made just everything worse. If only he'd lived in the town near the medical center, if only he'd treated her with all the kindness and respect she deserved...

He cried into his hands like a little boy until he heard tiny, soft noises from the bed. He shot up to his feet and rushed to Abby's side. She was muttering something groggily and twisting her body under the blankets.

"Abby?"

She mumbled something incomprehensible. Marcus leaned closer and was only barely able to hear what she was trying to say. "No more tuna," she murmured. 

The next thing he knew he was laughing. Tears were streaming down his cheeks as his fingers entwined tightly around Abby's. 

"You're going to be okay, aren't you?" he sniffled, smiling. "You're going to be just alright."

* * *

Abby hadn't known true warmth before waking up in Marcus' bed the next morning. She let out a sleepy sigh and rolled over, diving back into the soft heaven of her blanket fortress. Only when she registered the rough fabric of Marcus' sweater against her skin, she snapped her eyes open. 

She tried to sit up, but her whole body felt like a sack of rocks and forced her to sink down onto the mattress again. As she laid still, she tried to concentrate on what had happened last night. 

She could only remember brief flashes and sensations: walking in the snow, her phone falling down, a loud screeching noise, being wrapped up by something firm and warm, sounds of crying, sounds of laughter, and finally, a touch of lips on her forehead. 

But most of all she recalled the feeling of extreme coldness. Her doctor's brain quickly put the puzzle pieces together. _Hypothermia. Properly treated one._

She seemed to be alright, except being completely drained of energy. She'd have to find a thermometer to be sure. If Marcus even had one...

_Marcus!_

She tried to shift her body so she could peer over the edge of the bed. There he was, sleeping soundly next to her on the floor. His arm was stretched out as if it had fallen from the bed at some point in the night.

She lowered hand to give him a little nudge. "Marcus," she tried. "Marcus, wake up!"

He started slowly opening his eyes at the disturbance. The second his eyes opened properly and his gaze met hers, he staggered up to his feet. 

For a moment he just stared at her with a wild look in his eyes. At first, he looked almost happy to see her awake before his face started slowly turning red. "What the _hell_ were you thinking last night?"

He didn't leave her time to answer. "You went out into the raging wind in your bad excuse of winter clothes and just kept on walking. You maddening, stubborn little— You could've died! You have a daughter, friends, people who love you! And you could've thrown that all that away because of a bastard like me. God, what would've Jake thought?"

Abby let him rave in peace. Instead of getting angry at his accusatory words her heart was starting to swell at the passion and pain in his voice. This was far from the quiet man from yesterday whose eyes had been so hollow and cold.

"You could've died," he repeated, his voice trembling. "I was so scared. You looked so bad... I couldn't—," Marcus pinched his eyes shut. "Don't you dare to do that to anyone else ever again." 

"Welcome back," Abby said to him softly.

He looked at her questioningly with his misty eyes. She wriggled out from under all the layers packed on top of her and stepped down onto the floor. She took a few faltering steps towards Marcus.

"This is the Marcus from the letters, the one who loves and feels so deeply that has his heart might just give up on him."

He watched speechlessly as Abby laid her head gently on his chest. "Here you are. _My_ Marcus."

Marcus' arms wrapped slowly around her. He let out a sob into her hair and Abby hushed him gently in response. "It's going to be okay."

She stroked his hair while he quietly wept in her arms, softly murmuring "my Marcus" to him over and over again.


	10. Chapter 10

Abby brushed her thumb over Marcus' cheek, wiping his tears away. He leaned into her touch, chasing the feeling of her palm against his skin almost desperately. Her heart crumbled into pieces at the simple motion. If she had known how starved he was of affection she would've sought him out much earlier. 

Marcus wrenched his head away. "I'm sorry, I should let you rest."

This time Abby wouldn't let him withdraw. She took hold of his arm and pulled him back into her embrace. Marcus didn't need much prompting; he immediately threaded his fingers through Abby's hair and laid his head on the crook of her neck again.

"Abby, I—"

"Take your time," she gently whispered. "I'm not going anywhere."

Marcus sighed. "There are no words enough to tell you how sorry I am. For everything. I should've been there for you, and I'm not talking about just these past few days. What happened with Jake..."

"You don't have to talk about if you don't want to," Abby reassured. She knew better now than to push him.

"No, you deserve a proper explanation. I— I want to talk."

Marcus sat her down in the chair and settled down opposite her. He was silent for a long time, only staring at his hands and occasionally stealing a glance of Abby. Something in her eyes must have encouraged him because he finally opened his mouth and began with a shaky voice.

"I couldn't lose you like I lost Jake."

Abby reached out for his hands. "Is Jake the reason you left?" she asked.

"Yes. Partly. There was also another reason," he said, suddenly avoiding Abby's gaze. He tried to push her hands away. "I don't deserve any of your kindness". 

"Marcus—"

"What happened to him was my fault," Marcus whispered. "Let me explain.

I loved Jake like a brother. Ever since he forced his company on me after discovering we were both raised in the same town he was my closest friend. I didn't expect to find something like that in the Marines. I joined just after turning 19, partly to get away from my father, partly because I had absolutely nothing else I could do with my life. 

But then I met Jake. He was so similar to you in so many ways, Abby. There was certain hopefulness and passion always present in him. People needed someone like him around. The life there could turn you cold and ruthless, although it was necessary; you had to guard your emotions. Losing your cool got people killed. But that made people return home as empty shells. I have Jake to thank for that I wasn't rendered a complete wreck during my time there.

But still, the coldness was the safest facade for me. It was so easy to return to that when Jake was standing next to me. His idealism forced my pragmatism out. I guess that's what made us a good team. The good and the bad cop, the recruits would call us. It was true in a way. He was a far better man than I."

Marcus lowered his gaze.

"One Christmas he invited me over to see his wife and kid. I accepted. I had nowhere else to go since I wasn't speaking to my mother at the time. She didn't like what kind of a man the military was making me. In hindsight, I should've listened to her. Maybe things would've gone differently.

I met you and Clarke at that Christmas dinner. I was utterly enchanted from the very first moment. I probably didn't show it, but I thought you and Clarke were the best thing any man could wish for. The whole way back to Iraq I kept thinking about Jake's luck. If I had been wise I would've spent every second barking him into resigning after that leave. That life had suited me who had never had any proper family, but it was not the life you wanted when you had something like he had. 

I knew that he wasn't a good fit there in the long run. But I had become calculating. We couldn't lose a good man like him when we were so close to succeeding in clearing Fallujah. I had so many chances to send him home but I didn't take a single one. I prioritized the mission over him.

And he got hurt. Of course, he did. He'd been helping a local woman when the car bomb had exploded. He was carrying her stuff, for god's sake, while I was busy planning how to eliminate the most insurgents. I tried to help Jake as best as I could, carried him to the copper and made sure he was treated immediately, but the damage was already done.

I was so afraid. I promised myself that if Jake got through this, I would change. I'd try to be more like him, make the life worth living for others instead of just killing. I had a whole plan of getting my life together while I exchanged letters with you. I wanted to be someone my mother would welcome back with open arms. Someone who Clarke could admire. Someone who you..."

Marcus halted to draw in a deep breath. "But then I saw in what kind of a state Jake was in—"

Abby interrupted him. "That was my fault, I shouldn't have given you so much false hope."

"No, it wasn't your fault. It had been a sheer miracle that he hadn't died, I didn't how I had expected.

After seeing him, I couldn't go back. I had failed him, and I could've failed someone else if I had continued down that path. You kept sending me letters but I couldn't bring myself to answer them. What right did I have to comfort you, Jake's widow, when what to him was my fault?  I thought it would be best to keep myself away from you, from everyone.

Just look at what almost happened to you now that you finally found me. I only bring death and destruction in my wake."

He couldn't meet Abby's gaze.

"Now you know why."


	11. Chapter 11

Marcus was back to being as mute as ever.

After telling his story, he'd retreated out to clear the yard of snow. Abby watched with dread as he succeeded in wrenching the door of her car open. After tanking her car and plowing the road leading to civilization Marcus would most likely send her away.  

Abby wouldn't have that. Marcus hadn't come this far out of his shell to encase himself back there again which was, unfortunately, looking like a real possibility. He hadn't wanted to hear Abby's response after his story, he'd just risen up from the chair wordlessly and walked past her with his gaze cast down.

Abby didn't know if she was actually grateful for his swift retreat. She wouldn't have known how to answer at the moment, and it was still hard to piece together her feelings about what he'd told. On one hand, she wanted to fold Marcus in her arms and comfort him, but on another hand, she just wanted to go home, curl up in the bed she used to share with Jake and cry her eyes out.

But the one thing she was sure of was that she didn't blame Marcus. She could understand his guilt but not for a second had she held him accountable for Jake's actions. In the end, it hadn't been Marcus' fault for not forcing Jake to quit. It also hadn't been Abby's fault for never pleading him to return home, nor Jake's for doing something he felt passionate about. Sometimes the universe was just cruel.

She heard steps from outside and dashed back to bed. Marcus wouldn't want to see her back on her feet even though she felt fine. The only reason he hadn't already kicked her out was probably that he believed she still needed to recover.

Abby threw the covers over her just as the man stepped inside. She heard him approach her bedside. 

"The frost has damaged your car battery. It needs to be replaced," he said with a quiet voice. "I'm going to drive to the town to see what can be done about it. I'll also fetch a doctor for you."

"I said I didn't need—" Abby muttered.

She stopped short when she felt Marcus lower his hand on her duvet-covered body. He rested his palm on her shoulder in a tender, hesitant way that rendered her silent. 

"I'll be back soon," he whispered.

Abby heard him set something on the floor and walk away with heavy steps. Then the door opened and shut with a clack. She was alone.

When she emerged from under the covers she saw her suitcase leaning against the bed.

* * *

Abby was ecstatic to finally be able to change, but it was a shame to take off Marcus' warm, comfy sweater. Nevertheless, she stripped down to her underwear. She looked at her choice of bra and panties with a frown. Marcus had most likely seen her clad only in those while warming her up, and Abby couldn't help but feel embarrassed that she hadn't had anything prettier on. Abby supposed nobody would want to be on the brink of their death in their oldest, shabbiest bra. She was only faintly aware of how ridiculous the thought was.

Abby deemed most of the clothes she had packed with her not weather appropriate enough and found herself even a bigger sweater of Marcus' to snuggle in. When she heard him drive back to the yard after several hours, she was lying in the bed, reading one of his few books that were not poetry. But instead of Marcus, two familiar faces entered the cabin.

Abby wanted to draw her head under the covers as she saw Jackson and Raven. She had to look like a wild banshee with her unwashed hair. 

"How's the patient?" Jackson asked with a smile and walked up to her. "Nice to see you again, Abby."

"Nice to see you too. And I'm fine, and as a doctor my assessment outweighs yours."

Jackson just shook his head and unpacked his equipment. "The guy, Kane, insisted that I'd still check up on you. What an odd fellow. Lives here for years and this is the first time I see him. He kept asking for a medic and a car mechanic in the diner."

"So you got me and Jackson," Raven said. "We thought you had been murdered by him when you didn't show up or call," she continued as Jackson pressed a stethoscope to her chest.

"There's not really reception here." Just then Abby remembered her poor phone abandoned in the snow. "And I guess my phone is gone too."

Raven looked around her. "How have you not gotten crazy here? I mean, Kane doesn't seem like an axe murderer now that I have talked to him, but he is all gruff and surly. Not someone I'd like to hang out with."

 _If only you'd know what he is truly like_ , Abby thought.

"Where is he anyway?"

"He's coming in soon. He's just helping to attach your car to my tow truck. I'm bringing it back to town to fix up your battery." 

The door creaked. "Speaking of the devil," Raven said.

Marcus stepped cautiously in, seeming uncomfortable around the others. "How is she?" he asked Jackson.

"She is perfectly fine," Jackson said. "You have taken good care of her."

Marcus gave him a tight nod. He averted his gaze when Abby tried to flash him a teasing smile at his unnecessary concern. Raven noticed this and turned to her.

"So listen, I'll probably get your car good to go in no time. Me and Kane were talking and we thought you could stay at my place tonight—"

"I want to stay here," Abby said quickly. 

No one in the room had expected this answer. Raven quirked her eyebrow while Marcus' forehead furrowed.

"If that's okay," she said to Marcus.

The man didn't know how to answer.

Jackson broke the awkward silence in the room. "Umm, if you want to stay that's fine too. We just thought it would be easier to bunk off in the town since Callie and Sinclair are hosting a Christmas party tomorrow. They'd like you to be there."

Jackson turned to Marcus, forcing a smile. "Of course, you're invited too."

"Thank you, Jackson. We'll see if we can make it," Abby said warmly.

Marcus had never looked more bewildered than at the use of the word "we" just then. Raven looked surprised too, until her expression changed to something more calculating as her eyes swept back and forth between them.

"Jackson, I think we should relieve these two of our company now," she said and tugged at his sleeve, a strange smile on her lips.

* * *

As Jackson and Raven drove away with Abby's car, Marcus turned to her with a question burning on his tongue.

"You're not going to leave?"

The real question behind the words hung heavy in the air. _Do you still want to stay even after everything I've done?_ Marcus had assumed the answer to be negative since he'd offered her a way out on a silver plate.

Abby didn't know what else to do to prove him wrong than to rise up to her tiptoes and give him a light kiss on the cheek.

"You're not going to get rid of me that easily," she said softly.

If her eyes didn't fool her, there was a hint of a surprised but touched smile flickering across his features as he rubbed his cheek.


	12. Chapter 12

Marcus kept stealing glimpses of Abby as if he couldn't quite believe that she was still there. He was heating them some food while Abby studied him. It was interesting how fond she had grown of that concentrated frown on his face after spending only a week in his cabin.

He offered her a small cup of soup. "I'm sorry that I don't have much. You would've been more comfortable in the town."

"I'm where I want to be," Abby told him again. Marcus jerked his head at her in affirmation but didn't seem quite convinced. She wondered what she would have to do make him believe that she truly cared for him. 

Marcus returned to his place on the floor in front of the stove, watching the fire in silence. Abby continued observing his solemn features for a while as she enjoyed the soup before deciding to make her move. She lowered herself onto the floor next to him with a blanket draped over her shoulders. Marcus watched in surprise as Abby rested her head on his shoulder. She felt him tense under her touch, which only encouraged her to lay her hand on top of his.

"You know, Jake wouldn't have wanted you to blame yourself," she said quietly.

Marcus didn't say anything, just drew in a shuddering breath.

"I don't blame you," Abby continued. "Clarke doesn't either. No one does."

"If there's anyone that should be blamed—" Marcus started.

"No, don't do that. I know how you feel — and it's not good for you." Abby let out a sigh. "There was a small part of me which felt responsive too, in the beginning," 

Marcus' head shot up. "You did nothing wrong."

"I could say the same to you," Abby pointed out. "And If Jake was there he'd told you so too. He would smack you in the head for being such a mule."

There was a flash of something fond in Marcus' eyes, but then his gaze turned sorrowful again and he looked down in his lap. "I never got to know..." He gulped. "How did he die?"

Abby recalled the bittersweet day with faint pain in her heart. "It was a good, peaceful way to go. I was there when it happened, reading to him. He just closed his eyes and drifted away while I held his hand. There was no pain. I kept reading to him for a while even though I knew he was gone. I just couldn't quite let go yet. I only said goodbye after he was taken away."

"I wish I got to say goodbye. What a coward I was..." There were tears in Marcus' eyes. "I don't know how I can ever apologize enough."

"Don't. If anything, I should be thanking you. You gave me three more years to love him and I'll be eternally grateful for that."

For a while they sat in silence, leaning into each other and shedding tears for the man they had both loved. 

"There's actually something he would've wanted you to have," Abby said softly. She revealed an album from under her duvet and opened it under Marcus' eyes. 

"The baseball cards," Marcus said with an astonished smile, wiping his cheeks with his sleeve. "Is this Jake's special album?"

"It is. He told me the cards were your shared passion."

They looked at the cards together on the floor, Abby's head safely tucked under his chin. Marcus' arm had ventured to wind lightly around her, holding her close.

"I always envied his collection," Marcus said with a smile.

"He said the same about yours. Were the other guys just as after his cards as you were?"

He chuckled. "No, they were jealous other things." There was a teasing glint in his eyes the next time he glanced at her. "1982 Harley Davidson Softail. Does that ring any bells?"

Abby remembered Jake's motorbike he had been so proud of. She had, in fact, posed on top of it for a naughty photo to be sent to him for one of his longer missions.

Her cheeks flared up in mortification. 

"Yeah, yesterday was not actually the first time I saw you in your underwear," Marcus murmured, causing Abby to pinch him in the arm. "I can't believe he showed you!" 

"What can I say? He was ridiculously proud of you. And I had no choice, he practically shoved the picture under my nose—"

"You could've closed your eyes!" Abby said, playfully groaning.

"I didn't see you doing that a couple of days ago when I was washing up," he dared to tease. 

Abby couldn't believe her ears. "Oh, you're dead."

She tried to pinch him again but Marcus evaded her touch, laughing. 

Abby had to halt for a moment to drink in the sight. His eyes seemed to shine with pure joy, and there were crinkles in the corners of them. She had never seen him laugh before, or ever like this: teasing her, joking with her, looking _so happy_.

 _Marcus is beautiful when he laughs_ , Abby noticed.

She could now see clearer than ever what had made Jake like him so much, and what had shone through his letters. When Marcus let his guard down and actually opened up, his happiness was sheer magic to behold. Witnessing it made her feel special, in a way.

"This is exactly what Jake would have wanted," she said to him.

Marcus flashed her a questioning smile.

"He always wanted us to be friends. He kept inviting you over so that we could get to know each other more. It's a shame you never could spare the time."

"It was a busy life," Marcus said, turning his eyes away from her to the fire. He grew serious again to Abby's displeasure.

"You should go to rest Abby, you're still a patient after all," he said after a while.

"Only if you go to sleep too."

Marcus gave her a slight smile. "Alright. I'll just curl up in the armchair—"

"No, you won't. You're coming to the bed too. I'm not going to let you sleep on that lumpy thing."

He tensed. "Abby—" 

"Please, Marcus. We'd both be warmer."

In the end, Marcus wasn't able to struggle against her, and his protests were half-hearted anyway. Abby led him to bed and he followed after her with a sheepish look on his face.

The bed was too narrow for them both, but Abby didn't mind. Being nestled against Marcus made her feel safer and warmer than lying in the biggest or comfiest of beds. Marcus kept stroking her hair tenderly, but hesitantly as if he didn't quite believe if he had the permission. Abby gave it to him by curling up tighter against him.

When it was so silent that they could hear the wind rustling the tree branches outside, Abby whispered something to him.

"Jake would've wanted you happy."

A silence. 

"Are you happy here? In this cabin?"

Marcus hesitated for a moment. Without expecting an answer, Abby settled her head in the crook of his neck and closed her eyes. She felt his arms slowly wrap around her and pull her closer. "Yes. After the longest time, I am," he whispered into her hair. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for posting this so late, had a bit of a writer's block. Thank you so much everyone who has been supporting me this far. Even the shortest comments make me so happy and motivated. 
> 
> Here, have some pining!Marcus.

Marcus reluctantly let go of Abby to go to work in the morning. He was going to sell some firewood from his pick-up truck to the tourists renting cabins in the mountain area. It was enough to make money for some essential groceries and taxes. Abby sleepily frowned at his explanation. 

"That's not a real job," she yawned.

"Careful, or you have to start eating tuna again."

Abby's smiling eyes peeked out from under the covers. "Don't be too long," she murmured.

Marcus wouldn't be, not when he had a woman like her in his bed. 

It felt like a dream. Not only had Abby been forgiving, but she had also wanted to stay, eat his lousy soup, comfort him, and let him hold her while they slept. Marcus hadn't touched a woman like that in four years, and the fact that it was _her_ was almost too good to be true. Marcus could only hope she hadn't come back to her senses by the time he returned to her. 

When he came back a couple of hours later, he was met with the sight of Abby attempting to wash her hair by the sink. Marcus watched as she kept awkwardly splashing water to her strands, wincing at the coldness, trying to rub in the soap. She only had his sweater on; maybe panties too. Marcus tried not to think about it.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Washing my hair, what does it look like?"

"Nothing like that."

Abby let out a huff. "Excuse me for wanting to look nice."

"Who for?" Marcus asked, then immediately regretted it. Marcus hadn't minded her appearance this far, but that didn't mean Abby was happy with the situation. This far she had gotten by with the freezing water she could pump from the sink but Marcus couldn't imagine washing herself with it was in any way comfortable. He himself had gotten used to it.

Luckily Abby didn't take offense. "Tonight is the Sinclairs' Christmas party. I didn't want to look like a homeless person if we swung by."

"A Christmas party?" Marcus replied gruffly.

"Don't look at me like that. It would be good for you to socialize." 

Marcus recalled that Jackson had mentioned some sort of a party. Raven would be there, he realized with some alarm. She would most likely have Abby's car ready and Abby could leave as soon as tomorrow. After all, there was nothing left holding her back here now that they had talked about Jake. He couldn't imagine there would be any other reason for her to stay. 

If she wanted to leave, he wouldn't stop her even though the thought pierced his heart. It was funny how much things had changed in so little time. A week ago he'd wanted nothing more than to watch her drive away.

He rubbed the back of his neck. "I could draw you a bath."

Abby wrenched her head around. "You could? Why haven't you said anything?"

"I have a metal tub in the shed, but I haven't brought it in because I thought you wouldn't appreciate seeing me bathe in the middle of the room."

"Marcus. I would kill for a bath."

Her desperate, slightly threatening tone was enough to send him to retrieve the tub as fast as he could.

* * *

It took a while to heat up the water but seeing the look in her eyes when she saw the steaming hot bath made it worth it. Marcus averted his eyes as Abby started pulling off the sweater. He wasn't sure if it was a good or a bad sign that she felt so comfortable taking off her clothes in his presence.

She let out a low moan as she sank into the water which Marcus took as his cue to leave. 

"Where are you going?" Abby asked, and Marcus could hear from the sounds of the water that she had turned to face him in the tub. Marcus gathered all of his willpower not to glance at her. 

"Out. Going to chop some wood," Marcus lied and stepped out without letting Abby answer.

Marcus spent a good half an hour walking in circles in the yard. He hugged himself in the cold air, repeating a far too familiar mantra in his mind. _She is Jake's wife. Jake's wife. Jake's wife. Jake's wife._

He hadn't always had this problem. When Jake had shown him a picture of Abby in her lingerie she had just been another pretty woman in the sea of photos at the soldiers' bedside tables. But everything had changed the night he had met her. After that, It had been only polite to keep declining Jake's invitations to his home since Marcus knew exactly how wrong it was that he couldn't get his friend's beautiful, witty wife out of his head. 

Saying that he had feelings for her would be an understatement. The situation was even worse now that he knew how it felt to have her touch him. Innocently of course, but his treacherous heart was ready to lurch at any small act of kindness on her part. 

He felt like a vile human being for wanting her so much. She was here, offering her friendship to him even though it was the last thing he deserved, and he just couldn't stop thinking about the way her lips had felt so soft and forgiving against his skin. 

Marcus thought about what Jake would say to him if he was here right now. He'd probably shake his head and call him a mess. 

Marcus let out a bitter chuckle. There wasn't much in the world he wouldn't give right now to hear his advice, even if it was a poignant "back off". 

After deeming he'd waited an appropriate time, he stepped back in. Abby was sitting on a chair, wearing a towel turban and one of his flannel shirts. 

"I thought the purpose of me bringing you your suitcase was that you'd actually use your own clothes," Marcus said sharply.

"They're not as comfortable," she smirked, his shirt riding up a bit as she shifted her position. She probably had no idea how difficult she was doing this for him. 

"Aren't you going to bathe too?"

"I'm okay," Marcus waved his hand. "Had a wash this morning while you slept."

"So you're going like that to the party?"

Marcus had to look at least a bit offended because Abby let out a laugh. "I'm only suggesting that you trim your beard a little bit. Let me help you."

Marcus didn't know why he didn't protest. He supposed he was weaker than he'd initially believed, although it was hard to imagine anyone who wouldn't want a woman like Abby helping them shave. Marcus closed his eyes as her palm made contact with his cheek. She carefully evened out his beard neckline with the razor she had found in his closet. Her motions were a bit unsure, indicating that she had never done this before. Marcus hated the way his whole body tingled at the thought.

"Handsome," she said after finishing, petting his trimmed beard.

 _Beautiful_ , he wanted to say back to her but decided not to.

He'd have to be more careful from now on.


	14. Chapter 14

Marcus had hung a sheet across the room so that Abby could change in peace. She appreciated his gallantry, but the whole gesture seemed rather unnecessary since they had both seen each other practically naked. 

"I'm ready," Abby said.

When she pulled the sheet down, Abby could see that Marcus had gotten prepared too. He had on a button-up shirt and a vest which seemed to be the only nice pieces of clothing he owned, but he looked handsome nevertheless. His hair was especially nice. Abby didn't know what he'd done to it, but it looked better than ever. If she wasn't mistaken, it seemed shorter too. He no longer could tie his hair back which made Abby feel oddly wistful. She'd gotten attached to his little bun. 

Marcus was staring at her in silence which made her self-consciously glance down at her outfit. She was wearing a simple cardigan and a skirt. She had also put on some makeup and curled her wet hair with rollers so that it now flowed wavy over her shoulders.

"Do I look alright?"

"Yes," Marcus said quickly, turning away from her. "Shall we go then?"

It had taken surprisingly little time to convince him to go to the party with her. At first, she had suggested that he'd only give her a ride to the town and she could drive back in her own car, but he'd refused. He hadn't wanted her to drive alone in the dark. Then Abby had said that they didn't have to stay for long, but Marcus had told that they could be there as long as she wanted. 

Abby had been pleased. Maybe the man secretly wanted to get out of this cabin and socialize. That was definitely a step in the right direction.

* * *

 When they arrived at the Sinclairs' house, the whole yard seemed to be filled with cars. Abby saw Marcus take a nervous gulp.

"You'll be fine," she said.

Marcus shot her a tiny glare. "Of course I'll be fine, I haven't forgotten how to talk to people."

As Abby soon noticed, he was actually a bit rusty. The moment they stepped in, all eyes turned on Marcus. 

"Ah, Abby and her mysterious man! Welcome!" Sinclair exclaimed.

"I'm not her—," Marcus tried but was soon surrounded by people eager to meet the man Abby had told them all about that night in the diner. He stuttered answers to their questions and pleaded Abby for help with his eyes, but Abby just threw him a teasing smile.

 _You haven't forgotten how to talk to people, have you?_ she mouthed to him and flitted across the room to mingle. 

Everybody was glad to hear that she'd managed to find Marcus. They were curious whether she'd talked things through with him, and she was happy to tell them the positive answer. Others were less tactful about the subject. 

"So you succeeded in mission and cracked through that grouch?" Bellamy asked her. "Seems like it since you managed to drag him here."

"He's not a grouch. He's the loveliest man you'll ever know once you get to know him."

"You two seem to be getting along well," Raven commented.

Abby smiled. "Yes, I think we've gotten a lot closer during these past few days."

Raven threw her a knowing smile that made Abby confused for a moment. 

"So how's my car?" she asked, changing the subject.

"Oh, it's ready to—," Bellamy tried, but Raven clutched at his shoulder, silencing him.

"I'm sorry, Bell misspoke. There's still a lot of work left to do."

Abby furrowed her brow. "I thought you only had to replace the battery?"

"Nope, there's a problem with the... motor too. And the brakes. The radio, pretty much everything. It might take more time to fix it all," Raven said, smiling nervously.

"Alright," Abby said, slightly skeptical. Bellamy looked just as confused until he noticed something from the other side of the room.

"Oh look, O and Kane are talking!" he said with delight.

Abby turned around and saw them in the corner of the room. Marcus had rolled his sleeve and was showing the wide-eyed girl the faint scars on his arm. Abby actually saw him smile while recounting one of his stories. A warm feeling coursed through her body at the sight.

"Go to them," Raven whispered and nudged her forward. 

"And you made it alive?" Octavia asked in awe as Abby reached them.

"I did, otherwise I wouldn't be standing here," Marcus smiled. He turned to Abby. "Octavia here wants to join the Marines."

"Yes, I've made up my mind," Octavia said when she saw Abby's concerned frown.

"You still have time to think about it," Abby said softly and Marcus nodded. Octavia rolled her eyes. "Don't go all Bellamy on me."

She strutted away from them with her chin held up high, leaving Marcus shaking his head.

"She's too reckless for that place."

Abby smiled at his parent-like concern. "Are you having fun?" she asked, leaning against the wall next to him. 

"Define 'fun'."

"I saw you smiling."

"That must have been your mind playing a trick on you," Marcus said, smiling at her wryly.

Abby didn't know whether it was the alcohol she'd been sipping all night or the look in his eyes that made her feel oddly giddy. Seeing him like this filled her with an overwhelming urge to take a hold of his face and run her thumb over his lips...

Abby wasn't sure where she'd been going with that thought. Her skin felt suddenly warm and she concentrated on the cup of wine in her hands, trying to tune out the dizzying sensation in her stomach. She'd clearly had too much to drink.

"So are you going to kiss or not?" Someone asked. 

Abby and Marcus flinched apart. Roan stared at them, then flicked his eyes upwards. Abby and Marcus took the cue and looked up. There was a mistletoe hanging over them.

Abby froze in her spot. Marcus first frowned at the decoration, probably pondering over how silly the tradition was, then looked at her nervously. _Should we?_

 _Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes_ , Abby's hazy mind rumbled.

She had no idea what was happening to her. She couldn't think properly, move or offer him any intelligible answer. She wasn't sure if she was even breathing when she felt Marcus cup her cheek and press a light, quick kiss on her lips. 

Her knees felt like liquid after he parted a second later. It was like an electric shock had surged through her body and blown all the fuses in her brain, making her unable to do anything but stare at Marcus like a deer in the headlights. A worried expression fell on his face. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have—"

"I'm going to go catch some air," Abby blurted out. Without letting him respond, she zigzagged through the guests until she reached the door of the patio and wrenched it open. 

She stepped out and was finally able to catch her breath. Abby took support from the wall, trying to clear her mind. Her stomach was a hurricane of butterflies, her heart pounded so loud in her chest it felt like it could be heard from miles away, but most terrifyingly, all she could think about was how perfect Marcus's lips were. Scratch that, _the whole man_ was perfect. 

She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt like this, not since...

_Jake._

Abby covered her cheeks in mortification.

_How long had she been in love with Marcus?_


	15. Chapter 15

Abby felt like she'd been punched in the stomach. 

This was not supposed to happen. Her plan had been to find Marcus, repair their relationship, go home and move on with her life. She couldn't have possibly predicted that she'd consider someone in a romantic light ever again. But here she was, only a year after Jake's death, feeling mesmerized by his best friend's kiss.

He'd just warmed up enough for her so that could finally be friends, but of course she had to ruin it by getting her heart involved. 

_Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

She wasn't even sure what had triggered this. One kiss couldn't possibly change her whole view of him, could it? Maybe it was just a silly crush she was blowing out of proportion. After all, Marcus was handsome, and it was hard not to like him once you got past his rough exterior. He could probably melt any woman into a puddle with his warm brown eyes, his special smile and those strong arms that wrapped perfectly around you...

Abby shook her head, trying to get her train of thought back on the rails. 

It was only a crush. She could get over it quickly, and Marcus never had to know. She'd just have to act normal until she was able to leave.

She was just about to step back into the party with a calmer state of mind when a realization struck her. The thought of returning to Marcus had set a pleasant warmth in her stomach, the same exact warmth she'd felt every time she'd read his letter she'd kept in her wallet  _for years._

This might have been simmering longer than she'd initially thought.

Suddenly she saw her every innocent gesture in a completely new light. She had kissed his cheek, snuggled up against him as often as she could, helped him shave, even called him "her Marcus".

_Dear Lord._

She was head over heels for him, and if Marcus didn't know it by now he was either blind or willfully ignorant. Most likely the latter. This seemed like the exact kind of an uncomfortable discussion he'd avoid facing until the end of his days.

Abby wasn't even halfway done coming to terms with her feelings on the matter when Marcus came to find her. Abby let out a tiny yelp when he poked his head around the door. He had a nervous look on his face, and for a moment he seemed to have a hard time finding words.

"I just wanted to see if you were okay."

Abby was able to offer him a tiny nod, hoping that he didn't see her agitation.

"I talked to Raven, and your car apparently isn't ready," he continued, hesitating.

"I- I know," she stammered.

"So I guess you're still coming home with me?"

As much as his choice of words made her heart jump, going back to his cabin was probably the last thing she needed right now. But she had no choice. If she told him she wanted to stay with Raven she'd only hurt his feelings, or worse, make him suspicious.

"Yes, I am," she said, forcing a stiff smile on her face.

* * *

 Abby gave her goodbyes to the Sinclairs and the other guests, only having to suffer through a few teasing remarks about her mistletoe kiss with Marcus. She emerged outside with her cheeks flaming, but Marcus was kind enough not to say anything.

The ride back to Marcus' cabin had to be longest of her life. They had barely exchanged two words since leaving the town, and the tension in the car was getting suffocating. Marcus's eyes were firmly fixed on the road, his mouth thin and grim.

"I crossed the line," he said with a low voice, finally breaking the silence.

"As I said before, don't worry about it," Abby said.

"If I made you uncomfortable in any way..."

"Not at all, you just caught me by surprise," she said quickly. "You're a good kisser," she added before thinking.

Marcus grew silent at that. 

Abby pinched her eyes shut. _Why did I say that?_

She could already see what would happen sooner or later in the cabin. He was going to give her one of his soft smiles at the breakfast table and she'd blurt out that she loved him. She'd be out of the cabin before Marcus was even able to stop choking on his food.

The rest of the journey continued in silence, Abby avoiding his gaze at all costs.

When he finally pulled in his yard, they were both in haste to get into the cabin as if that would help them shake off the uncomfortable atmosphere. But it followed them inside and remained heavy upon them while they changed and kept their eyes strictly away from each other. 

The bed was the ultimate problem since they had shared it with no qualms last night. Either of them offering to take the floor or the armchair would only highlight the fact that things were extremely tense between them now, and they didn't want to make the situation even worse than it already was so they ended up settling down on the mattress together, lying side by side each other. 

Abby didn't dare to move or breathe, and Marcus seemed to have the same problem. Every single brush against him made her treacherously shiver, and they both tried to shift as farthest apart as possible. But as much as she tried to keep away from him, Marcus' body was so warm beside her in the cool cabin that she couldn't help but inch closer to him occasionally. She could hear him inhale sharply as she pressed herself against him, her fingers unintentionally grazing his.

"I really enjoyed the party," Marcus choked out.

Abby blinked. "Oh."

"It was good to meet new people. I'm starting to understand that maybe I'm not better off alone," he continued quietly. His fingers entwined hesitantly with hers. "I can't thank you enough for coming here, Abby."

Abby responded by squeezing his hand back. 

Their hands stayed clasped together throughout the night. Marcus eventually fell asleep, but Abby stayed wide awake in the darkness of the room. She felt her heart, which had just been mended after Jake, slowly starting to crack again.

 _Friendship is enough_ , she reminded herself, her throat feeling tight.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Posting late... once again. I can only have comfort in the fact that somewhere in the world it's still 16th of December.

"Does it usually take this long for you to cut down a tree?" Abby teased while Marcus struggled with a particularly stubborn spruce.

"I'm only doing this for you," he grunted. "Never had a Christmas tree before, not even sure why I'm getting one now."

"There's only a little over a week to Christmas. It's about time you got yourself little holiday spirit," Abby smiled, and it was enough to make him wordlessly continue his work with warmth in his chest. 

He couldn't believe she was still here. It had been three days since the Christmas party and his impulsive, moronic kiss but she still hadn't asked to leave. To his great surprise, she hadn't even been bothered by the fact that there hadn't been a word from Raven about her car. If she'd only ask, he'd be willing to drive her all the way home with a heavy heart, but she hadn't, and he couldn't understand for the life of him why she still wanted to stick around.

The tree fell down with a thump and Abby sprang up, laughing. "Finally! You actually had me thinking that you weren't really cut out to be a lumberjack."

Marcus shot her a playful glare. If he only could, he'd wind his hands around the red-cheeked woman and kiss the smile off her face. But he had to keep his self-control in check for a little while longer.

They strapped the tree down onto a sled and started dragging it after them. 

"There are mountain lions around here so stay close to me," Marcus said, occasionally glancing over his shoulder.

"I wouldn't dream of doing otherwis-," Abby said but stopped short, and Marcus saw the woman visibly flush. It caused a slight, shy grin tug at the corners of his mouth. She had been blushing a lot recently, probably not for any meaningful reason, but it was enough to make any foolish man consider that maybe she...

Marcus forced himself to lower his hopes for what had to be the hundredth time in the span of three days and continued wading in the snow with her in silence. Only when a fallen tree blocked their way he spoke up again.

"Ma'am," he said, offering her his hand.

Abby smiled, accepting it. He helped her climb over the trunk and followed after her with the sled. Interestingly, she didn't immediately let go of his hand. She kept holding it while they continued walking, but Marcus certainly wasn't going to say anything about it in the fear of her releasing it. Every once in a while he glanced at her, and she looked shyly down, but her grip of his hand only tightened. 

Marcus' hopes were up in the skies by the time they reached the cabin. He didn't even bother restraining them, what was the use when she kept looking at him like _that,_ and he didn't have anything to lose?

Well, except for his heart that she was going to crush to tattered pieces with the heels of her flimsy winter boots when she left. But that was a problem for the future.

* * *

Marcus went to get them dinner, leaving Abby alone in the cabin. By the time he got back with a dead pheasant thrown over his shoulder, his dwelling looked strikingly different. The outer wall had been decorated with Christmas lights with some hung around the nearby trees. When he stepped in, he was greeted with the sight of a blazing fire in the stove, a fully dressed Christmas tree and Abby in one of his sweaters.

Her face lighted up when she saw him, but then she wrinkled up her brow as she spotted his quarry.

"Is that a dead bird?"

"A pheasant."

"I can't believe you killed a pheasant."

"Well, there weren't any turkeys around..."

"I didn't know you hunted your own food," Abby said, her eyes shifting to the rifle he had strapped on his back.

"I just wanted you to have a fresh meal for a chance. You deserve as much."

The look in her eyes softened at that and she took a step closer to him.

"What are all these?" Marcus asked, waving his hand at the decorations.

"I found a box of Christmas ornaments in the shed. They were probably left by the previous owner. I hope you're aren't mad that I—"

"It's beautiful," Marcus said quickly. "Thank you."

There was a warm smile on Abby's lips as she wrapped her hands around him and gave him a hug. "And thank you for killing that poor, defenseless bird for me."

"It was a scary, bullylike pheasant. My actions were mostly in self-defense if that makes you feel better," Marcus said, causing Abby to let out her enchanting, tinkling laugh.

As they ate together at the table in the soft glow of candlelight, Marcus was struck with a surprising realization. This was what he had pictured Christmas to be like as a child. He never had a proper one because of his father's distaste for anything too cheerful or domestic. He'd thought that as a grown-up he'd enjoy the holiday twice as hard to make up for all the lost time, but that never worked out. Until now.

Once you had someone decorate your home, eat dinner with and crawl beside you in bed at night, it was only natural to be fooled by your heart that you had a family. 

After eating Abby turned on his radio and luckily the only channel that seemed to be working at this altitude didn't fail him this time either. She started listening to one of Sinatra's songs with a soft smile on her face.

Marcus saw his opportunity and took it.

He approached her with an offered hand while humming the first lines of the song: " _Some day, when I'm awfully low_ , _when the world is cold..."_

Abby chuckled. 

"Don't laugh. They didn't call me the Sinatra of the battlefield for nothing." 

"Because you were a good singer?"

"I'd like to think so."

One of his hand settled on her back, the other grabbing her hand. "Is this okay?" he asked. 

"More than."

For a while, they swayed in silence while the song played.  _You're lovely, with your smile so warm, and your cheeks so soft. There is nothing for me but to love you..._

Abby rested her head on his chest, sighing. "This has been a perfect day."

Marcus gazed softly down at her. "Likewise."

"Marcus, I need to tell you something—"

There was a knock on the door, causing them both to freeze. They exchanged bewildered looks. Which one of three people who knew about the location of the cabin would come knocking at nighttime?

After receiving no response, the person behind the door started to pound their fists against it which reminded Marcus of Abby's behavior when she had first arrived. He let go of Abby to walk over to the door and wrench it open.

There was a young, blonde woman at the door bearing a striking resemblance to Jake. Her eyes were wide and enraged, her jaw clenched.

"Clarke?"

"Where the _hell_ is my mom?"


	17. Chapter 17

Clarke took in the sight in front of her. There he was, the long-lost Marcus Kane staring back at her with a flabbergasted expression. He looked older and softer with his greying beard, but there was still some of that stiffness in his features she remembered from when she was a child. Behind him was her mother with wide, frightened eyes. Both of them looked like two kids caught doing something inappropriate. 

She forced her way past Kane to her mother.

"No calls, no text messages, not even an email for two weeks..." she started listing, rubbing the bridge of her nose. "Nothing. You better have a damn good explanation for scaring me to death."

Abby's response was throwing her arms around her and pulling her into a tight embrace. "I'm so sorry, honey. I didn't mean to scare you. I couldn't call because there was no reception—"

"So why didn't you call me from a place that had reception?"

Abby bit her lip. "The thing is... I lost my phone."

"Lost your phone? How?"

"I dropped it in the snow, it's a long story," Abby said quickly. 

"So why didn't drive down to the town to call me? There had to be a landline or a phone you could borrow somewhere."

Abby lowered her eyes. "My car battery got damaged by the frost."

It took every ounce of Clarke's self-control not to start tearing her hair off in frustration. 

"How did you find us?" Abby asked.

"When I heard nothing of you, I obviously got worried and started calling through every little town near Polis. Guess what I managed to find? A nurse who told me he'd treated you for hypothermia! Can you wonder why I was scared shitless? He was the one who gave me the directions to this cabin."

"Oh, sweetie, I'm fine now," Abby tried, but Clarke had already moved on to Marcus. She pointed at him with a quivering finger.

"You! What the hell were you thinking, holding my mom hostage here?

"Clarke!" Abby chided. "He didn't keep me here against my will."

Clarke turned her head. "Looks rather premeditated to me. You had no cellphone, no car, no—"

Just then her eyes caught the sight of candles at the table and the windowsill. There was quiet, sentimental music streaming from a radio and judging by the dishes by the sink, they had just finished eating dinner together. She looked around the room and saw Abby's suitcase unpacked in the floor, only one bed, and lastly, her mother wearing an oversized men's sweater.

Clarke pinched her eyes shut. So this is why her mother hadn't bothered to contact her.

She looked back and forth between her mother and his father's so-called best friend, feeling a sudden need to sit down.

"We're sorry for making you so worried," Kane said. "But everything is okay. Your mother got sick when she first got here, but she's better now. I've been taking care of her."

_I bet you have._

Kane was attempting a conciliatory smile at her. "Look how you've grown," he said carefully. "I haven't seen in so long—"

Clarke shot him a deadly glare. "You don't get to do that. You don't get to just disappear and then four years later shack up with my mom like it's no big deal!"

Kane paled at her words, and after finding himself unable to utter a response he bowed his head in shame.

"Is this is a bad time?" 

Clarke turned around saw her girlfriend peeking from around the door. Lexa lifted her hand in an awkward greeting. Clarke sighed. 

"Kane, Lexa. Lexa, Kane," she grudgingly introduced. "She drove the other car here."

"The other car?" Abby asked. 

"Yes!" Clarke said sharply. "Your car. Apparently, it has been sitting fully repaired at the mechanic's for several days now. But I get it, you were too _busy_ to pick it up."

Abby crossed her arms. "I don't like that tone."

Clarke sank down into an armchair, defeated. "Please tell me what to think about this then because I have no idea. You disappear for two weeks and I come here to all this," she said, waving her hands at the domestic little scene. "I mean, it's not like I don't approve of you moving on, but this is just ridiculous. You could've at least told me!"

"Marcus and I— it's nothing like you think," Abby said and Clarke could swear she saw her mother turn red. Something flashed in Kane's eyes at her words. He looked away with his jaw set.

A heavy silence followed.

"You know, I can wait in the car," Lexa piped up, slowly retreating out of the door. 

Clarke lifted her hands to her temples. "I don't even want to know. I just want to get you safely back home for Christmas. Remember what you promised?"

Abby looked pained. "Of course I remember darling, but..."

"But?" 

Clarke saw her mother try to exchange looks with Kane, but the man kept his eyes strictly averted, causing Abby's face to fall. Clarke supposed it was time to make concessions.

"He can come for dinner too if he wants," she said with a sigh. 

"It's okay. I'm good here," Kane said curtly.

Clarke frowned. Not the most polite way to decline an invitation he was lucky to even receive. 

"Marcus..." her mother said with a voice Clarke had never heard before. It was soft and caressing in a way that made her feel like she was intruding something intimate just by listening to it. Clarke saw the expression on Kane's face morph into something unreadable at Abby's voice. He lifted his hand to gently brush her shoulder without looking at her.

"Go home," he murmured. "There's nothing for you here."

Abby tried to desperately to meet his eyes, but the man seemed to be visibly withdrawing from her, his shoulders hunched and gaze cast down. Her mother eventually gave up and lowered her head, looking utterly rejected. 

"So it seems," she muttered.

Clarke had to rest her head on her hand. What had she stumbled into?


	18. Chapter 18

Clarke and Lexa helped Abby pack her stuff and load the car while Marcus observed them in silence. Abby changed clothes in her car. She noticed that she had accidentally packed one of Marcus' shirts with her but decided not to walk back to return it. Instead, tugged it on under her jacket, blinking back tears.

Rejection tasted bitter. Not because she wasn't used to it for having married Jake so young, but because she really thought Marcus would return her feelings. He'd treated her so beautifully and looked at her with something akin to affection in his eyes. It was no wonder she'd been fooled. 

Abby scoffed at her own feelings. What had she expected? It was not possible to find something like she had with Jake again, and she felt like a silly, heartbroken schoolgirl for believing otherwise. She needed to get home as soon as possible to lick her wounds if she ever hoped to move on. 

Clarke knocked on her window. "Are we ready to go?"

Abby offered her a quick nod, turning her face away so that her daughter wouldn't spot her red-rimmed eyes. 

Now was the hardest part. She'd have to go back and say goodbye to Marcus. He deserved that much. She let out a deep breath and pulled herself together, climbing out of the car. 

Marcus was standing in front of the cabin, his hands stuffed deep in the pockets of his jacket while he watched her approach. It was starting to snow, and some snowflakes had stuck to his messy curls. Abby wished she could ruffle his hair and get them off but she supposed she didn't have the privilege, nor ever would have.

"We are going now," she said, twisting her hands in front of her. Marcus didn't respond, just looked at her with his sad, dark eyes. _Dammit, why did he have to do this to her?_

"Are you sure you don't want to join us for Christmas dinner?" Abby tried one last time. 

Before Abby could even hope for a different answer, Marcus nodded. 

She sighed. "I guess this is a goodbye then." She stepped forward to twine her hands around the stiff man. Marcus didn't even attempt to hug her back which made Abby just clutch at him harder. 

She couldn't believe this was it. She came here to talk about Jake, fell in earth-shattering love, and now she'd have to go home without as much as a hug back. She moved her hands around Marcus' neck and pressed her lips to the corner of his mouth. She withdrew them quickly, but Marcus still seemed flustered at the touch.

"I hope you'll find happiness again," he finally spoke up. "Jake—"

"—Would've wanted that, I know," she said, a poorly masked hint of bitterness in her voice. What Jake would've wanted for her was standing right in front of her, but she didn't have the courage to tell him.

"Chase it, and once you find it, don't let go. You deserve only the best." Marcus hesitated, then awkwardly squeezed her shoulder. "Take care."

"You too," Abby responded, and because Marcus didn't seem to have anything more to say, she turned her back to him and started walking to her car. She could feel Marcus' gaze boring into her at every step. But she didn't turn around. She'd only find his eyes averted if she did.

* * *

Clarke and Lexa pulled out of the yard first and Abby followed them with her car. She tried her hardest to focus on the road and not to think about what she was leaving behind. It was difficult when she still had the picture of Marcus stuck to her windscreen. 

Eventually, she ended up yanking the picture off and throwing it onto the passenger's seat. For a while, it helped. Her mind was on driving home, and only on that, albeit her eyes quickly growing misty. She couldn't help but glance at Marcus' photo again.

But instead of finding his stern expression gazing back at her, she noticed that the picture had fallen upside down on the seat. There was writing on the back, and she could swear there wasn't anything before. She had passed the picture around too many times not to know.

Abby picked it up carefully. It seemed that Marcus had sneaked to her car and written a hasty message for her while she'd packed. Judging by the writing's odd hiding place he'd probably hoped she'd only find it at home and read it there. The realization made it irresistible not to skim it immediately. At least a written message was better than nothing.

She let her eyes rest on his beautiful, firm handwriting.

**Abby,**

**these weeks have been the best of my life, and I'm eternally gratefully for getting to spend them with you.**

**I'll never forget them. I'll never forget you.**

**_Love_ , Marcus**

* * *

 "Do you think I am doing the right thing by making mom come home?" Clarke asked her girlfriend. Lexa shrugged behind the wheel.

"I mean, I only want the best for her," she continued. "And I'm not sure if hanging out with her dead husband's army buddies is the healthiest option."

Lexa didn't offer her opinion on the matter.

"She said that she and Kane weren't anything so I ought to believe her. It's not like I'm ruining her happiness, right?

Lexa remained unresponsive which was starting to frustrate Clarke. 

Suddenly there was a loud screech as a car slammed on brakes. Clarke lifted her gaze to the rearview mirror. "Wait, mom has stopped driving." She craned her neck to see better. "Now she is climbing out. And running. Lexa, she is running back to the cabin! Stop the car!"

Clarke tried to wrench the door open to follow after her mother, but just then Lexa pulled a switch and all the doors locked with a clack.

Clarke threw her an incredulous look. "Why did you do that?"

"Just let her go, dear. Let her go," Lexa said. 

"But she was supposed to come home!"

"She's in love. Let her deal with that first."

Clarke sighed, slumping against her seat. "You're right, aren't you?"

"I usually am," Lexa smirked, earning herself a playful shove from Clarke.

* * *

 Abby had to wade half a mile in the snow to reach the end of the road again.

When she finally arrived, she saw Marcus sitting on the front steps of his cabin, his arms resting on his knees, his head cast down. He only lifted his gaze as Abby let out a curse for stumbling on a snowy branch. Abby had never seen anyone more confused at her presence.

When she was right in front of him she raised an accusing finger to him. "You love me."

Marcus looked at her with defeated eyes for a moment, until he let his gaze drop again."I don't know what you want me to say to that. Should I deny it? Defend myself?"

"But it's true, isn't it?" Abby asked urgently.

Marcus kept silent for a long time before slowly rising up. 

"Yes," he said, his voice solemn and grave.

Abby blinked. There it was, the answer she'd been craving for. Suddenly she felt an uncontrollable urge to burst into laughter. Had she truly been agonizing over this for days when Marcus looked just as miserable as her? How had she not seen it?

The man in front of her didn't know how to read her amused expression and was even more confused when Abby took a step towards him, shaking her head and smiling.

"What are you doing?"

"Chasing my happiness," she murmured, curling her fingers in the lapels of his jacket. Before Marcus could react, she'd pulled his lips to hers.


	19. Chapter 19

Abby could taste snowflakes on Marcus' soft lips. He was kissing her hesitantly back while holding her head in his hands, his fingers carefully threading through her hair. They parted slowly, their noses clumsily bumping together in the haze of their proper first kiss.

"What was that?" he breathed out with a childlike astonishment, and Abby had never loved him more.

"Don't you understand? You're the one who makes me happy," Abby said, trying to capture his lips again. But Marcus evaded her kiss. 

"Abby," he sighed. "How could I make you happy when I can't even make myself happy? You shouldn't be here—"

Abby pressed her lips insistently against his. "Let me try. Please, Marcus, let me try to make you happy," she murmured between her kisses, her mouth shifting down to trail kisses along his jawline. "Let me." Marcus melted against her, wrapping his arms around her waist. But there was a still a tiny spark of resistance left. 

"You cannot be in your right mind..."

"I love you. I want you. Can I put it any clearer than that?" 

Marcus' eyes widened. For a moment he looked at her in wonder, before surging forward. He captured her lips in a violent kiss, making Abby almost lose her footing. She wrapped her arms his neck for support, answering his kiss with equal enthusiasm. His grip on her was almost desperate as he parted with a gasp.

"Inside," he murmured, his breath shallow.

"Huh?" Abby said, and in an instant, she was off the ground. Marcus lifted her up in his arms like a feather and started marching towards his cabin, craning his neck to meet Abby's lips again. He kicked the door in and carried her inside while still in the midst of a deep kiss with Abby cradling his cheek and his hand protectively on the back of her head. 

He lowered her on his bed, only to take a step back and watch her in bewilderment. 

"You love me," he said as if asking a question.

"Yes."

He lowered himself on his knees beside the bed. "You want me."

"Yes—"

Marcus crashed his lips against hers, winding his arm around her neck to pull her closer. The angle was awkward but their kiss so eager and fevered neither of them minded. Marcus' hand fell to the zipper of her coat.

"One word and I'll stop this right here," he said, his lips just a few millimeters from hers. 

"Please don't."

At that Marcus kissed her again, pulling her coat open and yanking it off her while Abby's hands started fumbling with his jacket, trying to return his kisses as best as she could. But Marcus withdrew to stare at her outfit under the coat.

"That’s my shirt."

"I figured you wouldn't mind if I smuggled one out," Abby said breathlessly. Something dark and fierce flashed in Marcus' eyes.

"No, I don't mind," he said in a low voice. For a moment Abby thought he'd capture her lips in another fierce kiss, but instead, he moved to carefully remove her boots. _This is actually happening_ , she thought with a nervous, but excited jolt in her stomach.

When their outdoor clothes had been removed, Marcus climbed on top of her, his lips falling on hers, his hands on the buttons of the shirt. There was no finesse in the way he ripped it off her, and Abby could swear she heard the sound of a fabric tearing. But she didn't linger on his careless treatment of his own clothes, the taste of his lips was too mesmerizing to give space to anything else in her mind.

With Abby's help, Marcus shed off his pants and his shirt. He was left only in his briefs, his half-hard member already pressing against her. Abby studied his muscular body in awe as Marcus unbuttoned her jeans. She'd seen his bare chest before, but only for a flash in midst of embarrassment. Now she had the time to fully appreciate his physique as she traced her fingers along the faint scars. 

Marcus looked slightly apologetic at his scars until Abby pressed her lips against them, murmuring adoring words. She felt Marcus' hand tangle in her hair and his head fall into the crook of her neck.

"I love you," he whispered, his voice barely audible.

Their following kiss was deeper than any of the those before. Marcus chased after the feel of her lips reverently, his hands moving to unclasp her bra. Their lips never parted as he took her exposed breasts in his hand. As he teased her nipples into tender peaks with the brush of his thumb while exploring the taste of her tongue with his own, Abby was nearly overwhelmed with pleasure. 

He slowly shifted his mouth's attention to her jaw, then to her neck. He dragged his lips down her from her breasts all the way to her navel. Marcus' hands moved to pull her panties down while he let his hot breath caress the skin of her lower abdomen, taut from anticipation. A desperate whimper fell from her lips almost without her noticing as he slowly and torturously started to move his mouth down to her curls. Marcus was nudging her thighs apart and Abby had to gather every ounce of her willpower to choke out one single word.

"No."

Marcus looked up at her, startled. He lifted himself off her apologetically, making Abby feel the need to explain. 

"I can't wait. I want you, and not just your mouth. _You_."

To get him to understand, her fingers found their way to his cock which was straining against his underwear. She gently pulled him out of his briefs, taking his marvelous length in her hand. She brushed her thumb over the tip, causing Marcus to clench his eyes shut and let out a shaky breath. She started to guide his member to where she needed it the most which made his gaze darken in understanding. But he still asked permission with his eyes as he angled himself at her entrance.

"Yes," Abby sighed, her hands flying to his back. Her fingers danced on the broad expanse of his skin while Marcus pressed fervent _I love you_ s against her neck, his cock slowly pushing past her folds.

"Marcus," Abby murmured, his ministrations making her shiver with desire. "My Marcus..."

"I'm yours. I've been from the very start."

Before Abby could contemplate on the meaning of his utterance Marcus planted himself deep in her, setting her alight. He muffled her cries with his mouth, and her hands clamped desperately at his shoulders. His pace was merciless. Every rock of his hips made thunder course through her veins and her mouth gasp for air.

There was no time for slow exploration. Neither of them had done this in years and they were burning with the need for each other. She arched her back to meet his thrusts, and she wouldn't even have needed anything more to come, but still, Marcus' fingers found their way to her clit. He pressed his forehead against hers while helping her come undone with a mere brush of his thumb. He shuddered his release into her not long after.

As she laid in his arms, happy and breathless, Marcus brushed the sweaty strands of her hair off her forehead, smiling softly. 

"I'm so glad I remembered how this was done," he joked and stole laughter from Abby's lips with his own. 


	20. Chapter 20

_Dammit._

Abby was soundly asleep in Marcus' arms, her head safely nestled in the crook of his neck. Her hair cascaded alluringly down her bare chest, and her body was like molded to fit in his embrace. She was the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen.

_Dammit._

Marcus gently eased his hands from around her and rose up, leaving her lying on the bed alone. But he couldn't resist letting his eyes linger on her for just a moment longer. His fingers carefully trailed across her features before he forced himself to withdraw.

He walked to the window. The snow had piled up in front of it, blocking the view so the only thing he saw was his reflection. A smile seemed to be stuck on his face, and no matter how much he tried, he couldn't chase away the delirious happiness still consuming his whole body. Marcus wanted to kick himself.

_Congratulations, you just made this ten times harder for everyone._

He'd tried to be strong by sending her away, never intending to speak a word about his feelings. But she'd come back and as soon as those three words had fallen from her lips, it was as if his whole body had been taken over. The next thing he'd known, he'd confessed his secret and taken her to his bed. He'd made love to her the whole night, not leaving an inch of her body unexplored, pausing only to quip something and relish in her smiles like a fool in love he was. If only he'd had enough sense to stop. Now the enchantment was starting to wear off and he'd have to face the consequences.

There was a reason why he hadn't wanted to go to Abby's Christmas dinner, and why he'd held himself back for so long. Even if Abby had fallen for him by some miracle, her love wasn't something Marcus should welcome. He'd never dared to hope for anything more with her, partly because he didn't deserve her, and partly because he knew it would end badly.

He couldn't go back to before. He couldn't sit in the same table Jake had sat, especially now that he'd slept with his wife. He couldn't face his army comrades nor see the disappointed look in his mother's face. Not now, not when there was still so much guilt. He could perhaps improve his life here, get some friends and make his cabin more livable, but he would never leave this town. No matter what Abby did or said, he wouldn't go with her, and he would never let her stay behind either. She couldn't put her life on hold for someone like him even though he'd entertained the option multiple times; he'd had to physically restrain himself for not begging her to stay as she had been leaving with her daughter.

Spending a night with her, having her whisper her love in his ear again and again had just made everything worse. Now her departure would mean even a deeper pit of despair for him. He'd been trying to protect his own heart by sending her away, but now he was in the danger of hurting Abby's feelings too. And he had no idea how to fix it.

"Good morning, early bird."

Marcus turned around and saw Abby smiling languidly at him in the bed, slowly blinking her eyes open. "What are you doing by the window?"

He cleared his throat. "It looks like we're snowed in again."

"Fine by me. Come back to bed."

Marcus pinched his eyes shut. _Please don't do this to me, not again._

"Maybe it would be better if we got some breakfast," he suggested quickly. "What do you want?"

Abby rose up from the bed and walked to him slowly, not bothering to wrap a thread of clothing around her. She flung her arms around him and gave him a deep kiss that rendered him breathless and shuddering.

"Was that clear enough an answer for you?" She asked. 

Marcus made a poor attempt at steadying his breathing. "I— I'll make you some eggs."

Abby sighed.

* * *

 

Abby put on one of Marcus' shirts and boxers for breakfast, making him wonder how many of his clothes he'd have to get rid of after she was gone and the only thing left reminding him of her would be her scent on them. He supposed he'd just burn all of them.

Based on the look in Abby's eyes while she ate she'd be ready to hop back between the sheets the minute Marcus had put down the fork so he quickly expressed his desire to clear the yard out of the snow as soon as possible.

"Let me help," she said.

Marcus should've refused, made her wait by the warmth of the stove while he worked diligently to get the road set for her home trip. But he didn't, and she ended up outside with him, distracting him at every turn. Either she'd look so lovely in his jacket with her frizzy hair and cheeks pinched red by the cold that he had to pause to watch her, or worse, she'd hit him with a snowball so that he ended up abandoning his shovel and chasing after her until they were both rolling in the snow, laughing and trading kisses.

She was making him fall deeper and deeper in love with her just by being here, and he wasn't doing anything to stop it.

"We seriously have to get back to work," Marcus said when he had once again ended up on top of her in the snow.

"Nah," Abby said and kissed him deeply. The way she traced the seam of his lips with the tip of her tongue was slowly making him lose the last shreds of his self-control.

"Don't you want to get back to your car?" Marcus asked, forcing himself to part.

"There's no rush. There's still three days until Christmas and we don't have to be there until the morning of the 24th."

_We._

Marcus climbed off her in haste. He'd feared that Abby might think he was going to go home with her, and now it had just been confirmed. But could he blame anyone but himself? Everything in his behavior had been pure encouragement for her. He'd have to stop it now.

"I'd still like to get the job done," he said curtly and turned away, but was stopped by a tug at his scarf. Abby had it in her hands and was dragging him closer by pulling on it with a teasing smile on her face. Marcus didn't even try to resist as she planted her lips on his.

He couldn't take it anymore. With one swift motion, he whisked Abby's tiny body over his shoulder and began marching back inside while she laughed and squirmed in his grip.

"Put me down!"

"You brought this on yourself," he said, kicking the door open.

 _Just a little while longer before I have to let her go_ , he tried to justify to himself as he lowered her on his bed, kissing her like his life depended on it.

 _Let me have a few precious moments mor_ e, he pleaded with no one in particular.

 


	21. Chapter 21

Abby loved Marcus.

She'd loved him deep down for a long time without realizing it. She loved his humility, his strength, his tender, achingly beautiful heart, the way he looked at her, the smile on his face that only she could bring out. She loved him so much her heart felt like bursting every minute she spent with him.

That's why it frustrated her endlessly that he just _wouldn't_ talk to her.

Even saying a word about the Christmas dinner, Jake, Vera or even Clarke made him lock up, not to mention any topic that had to do with their relationship. Abby had expected to have a long conversation with him at some point where they talked about their future and reaffirmed their feelings for each other, but all she had gotten was one whispered "I love you" days ago.

If Abby told him she loved him, Marcus would just smile at her and give her a tender kiss on the lips without saying anything back. It was starting to make Abby feel ridiculous. Not because she suspected that Marcus didn't feel as strongly towards her as she did; there was nothing but adoration in his eyes as he looked at her, and the way he treated her in bed made her feel more loved than any words possibly could. But still, she'd give her left arm to hear some sort of an acknowledgment of their relationship. Hell, even a simple "I'm looking forward to spending Christmas with you" would suffice.

When Marcus took Abby with him to distribute some last minute Christmas firewood, she had her last chance to get him to confirm anything.

"Right on time," a kind-looking, redheaded man said as Marcus climbed off the car. "Here you go, Tor," Marcus said, walking to the back of the pickup and opening up the bed, revealing a whole load of neatly-chopped firewood.

"Kane, you're a true lifesaver," the man said, before spotting Abby. "And who is this lovely lady I have never seen before with you?"

"This is Abby. She's my...

Abby smiled warmly at Marcus in encouragement. But still, he couldn't find the words. 

Tor chuckled. "Your sweetheart, huh? Is that what you're trying to say?"

Marcus gave him a quick nod. Abby found some consolation in that, but not enough.

"Are you going to the tree lighting ceremony tomorrow?" The man asked them. When Abby looked at him quizzically, he explained: "It's a little tradition this town has every 22nd of December. The lights in the tree are switched on at seven o'clock and everyone will be there to watch, including me and my daughter. I hope you'll be attending too."

Abby smiled. "We'd love to—"

"I don't think I'm going," Marcus said at the same time, causing Abby to frown.

"Well, I'm planning on doing so," she said and threw Marcus a surprised glance as he didn't say anything to that. "Wouldn't you want to join me?" 

"Let's see how things look like tomorrow," Marcus muttered, looking more tired than she'd ever seen him.

"What do you mean?"

Just then Tor was looking so curious at their exchange that Marcus lowered his hand on the small of Abby's back.

"I think we'd better head off now. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christm—" Tor tried but Marcus had already led Abby away.

* * *

 Their drive back to the cabin was too silent for Abby's taste. She lowered her hand on Marcus' leg in an affectionate gesture and tried to find the words to start a conversation, but Marcus didn't even make the slightest motion to acknowledge her touch. He kept his eyes on the road until Abby withdrew her hand, feeling hurt.

"What am I to you?" she asked, breaking the silence.

Marcus gave her a brief, questioning glance. 

"Could you finish that sentence you started back there? Before the man interrupted you?"

Marcus turned his head towards her, and the look in his eyes softened for a moment before he answered with a solemn voice. "You're the love of my life."

Abby hadn't expected that, _Girlfriend_ was what she'd hoped for. She felt warmth flood her chest as she met his overtly serious gaze. Before she could express her love for him in return, Marcus averted his eyes. "But that's the problem."

Abby knotted her brow. "What do you mean by that?

Marcus let out a sigh. "I've loved no one but you for as long as I can remember. I was done for the moment you smiled at me during that Christmas dinner years ago."

Abby didn't know what to say to that. 

"I loved you even though I was fully aware of the fact you were married. Happily married to my best friend, in fact. All those years Jake talked about you and read your letters aloud, I fell in deep and deeper even though I tried to fight it. When you started writing to me after Jake's injury, I was so far gone that just one word from you would've made me abandon my post and fly to see you and Jake at a moment's notice."

Marcus' grip on the steering wheel was so tight his knuckles were white. "There, that's the problem."

"What are you doing?" Abby asked, feeling annoyed at his self-loathing tone. "Is this your way of trying to make me disgusted at you?"

When Marcus remained tight-lipped, she sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Marcus, loving someone doesn't make you a terrible person."

"But Jake—"

"He would've understood if you only had told him. Hell, even I was halfway in love with you long before it would've been appropriate. These things just happen."

Marcus kept silent for a long time before opening his mouth again. "It still doesn't change the fact that I can't—"

"Why are you still trying to find excuses?" Abby asked, struggling to contain her emotions. "I don't understand. I thought you _wanted_ to be with me."

"I do want to be with you," Marcus said in a quiet voice.

"So why can't we be together?"

Something stubborn flashed in Marcus' eyes. "We were never going to have more than these few weeks. You have your life to get back to, and _my life_ is here."

"Do you call this a life?" she asked in irritation and regretted her words as soon as they were out of her mouth. 

Marcus' voice was frosty the next time he spoke. "I get it. But just that you know, I'm not going to follow you back to your life even though you don't like what I have here. I'm not going to sit in Jake's seat and make small talk with your friends and daughter like everything is alright. Because it's not. And I'm not sure when it will be, if ever."

"But—"

"I can't Abby. I wish I could, but I can't."

Abby's stomach plummeted as she understood she couldn't change his mind.

"So you're not going to come to the dinner?"

"No."

"And you're making me go home tomorrow? And that's why you weren't planning on going to the event with me?"

"Yes."

A long silence followed. The only sounds were the quiet swishes Abby's sleeves made as she wiped her eyes with them. 

Marcus' face turned ashen as he noticed her holding back tears. "I'm sorry, I should've never even—"

"So how much time do we have?" Abby interrupted him, trying steady her voice. "Until I have to leave?"

Marcus kept silent while he pulled into his yard. Only when the pickup was parked he breathed out an answer. "I'll take you to the tree lighting ceremony. I now see that I can't bear it to be any earlier."

Abby rested her head on his shoulder and entwined their fingers. "I'll stay you with you as long as I can," she murmured. Marcus pressed a grateful kiss on her hair and leaned his head against hers.

They stayed like that for a long time. 


	22. Chapter 22

"It's so beautiful," Bellamy sighed as he looked up the Christmas tree. "And soon it will be even more magnificent with the lights on."

"This happens every year, sweetie," Raven chuckled. They were amongst the first people to arrive at the tree lighting ceremony. Raven would gently roll her eyes at her boyfriend's amazement at the silly affair, but if someone else dared to scoff at the tradition that brought every single resident so much joy, she would snap their neck without hesitation.

Raven caught a glimpse of a familiar couple from the corner of her eye. "Look who has finally left their love nest," she smirked.

Bellamy followed her gaze to Kane and Abby who were busy chattering with people coming to greet them, Tor and his cute little daughter Reese amongst them. Even when they were standing so close, making it almost impossible to distinguish, it still didn't escape Raven's notice that they were holding hands. She smiled.

She had known it from the very first moment she had seen Kane burst into the diner in the search for a medic. The look on his face when he'd talked about Abby revealed exactly how protective of her he was, and consequently, how bad he had got it for her.

It was cute: their own little mountain hermit desperately enamored with the nice little doctor who had managed to drag him out of his shell. It was the love story of the century, and Raven couldn't help but take a little bit of credit. She had purposefully withheld Abby's car to give her more time to melt Kane, and it seemed to have worked judging by the way they were huddled together.

"Stop leering at them and focus on the ceremony," Bellamy said. "It's going to start in a moment."

"I think I know it by heart now," Raven sighed, but still focused on the program with interest.

First, Sinclair warmed the crowd by a little speech and was playfully booed from the stage after telling one too many lame jokes like every year. Then the crow enjoyed some hot cocoa and each other's company until the carol singers arrived. Raven listened to their beautiful singing while the Christmas star was raised to the top with a cherry picker.

This year Octavia got the privilege to switch on the lights despite her complaints that it was a little kid's job. Still, it didn't make her any less excited to perform the task in front of everyone.

Everybody fell silent as her hand lowered on the switch. With a giddy smile, she pulled it swiftly down.

The tree lit up with a flash which never ceased to surprise Raven. She could hear astonished gasps and sighs all around her as if the people had never seen this happen before. Still, she found herself in awe too. The tree was a beautiful sight with its hundreds of glimmering, colorful lights and the golden shine of the ornaments. Bellamy's arm wrapped around her shoulder as they admired the sight, and they weren't the only couple to huddle closer together. Everybody around them was inching closer to their loved ones.

Raven turned around and spotted the only two people not marveling at the tree. Abby and Kane were in midst of a tender kiss.

At first, Raven grinned, but then she saw Kane's hands carefully cradling Abby's face, brushing his thumb over her cheek repeatedly. It was like a blow to Raven's guts when she realized why. He was wiping Abby's tears away.

_No, please don't let this be what I think it is._

They parted to exchange a few hushed words before Kane leaned to press a kiss her forehead. There was utter despair in the eyes of both as he finally let go of her. Abby gave him one last lingering look before she turned away from him and started walking.

Raven saw her car parked down the road.

_No. No. No._

Kane watched Abby go, looking defeated. She climbed into the car and the motor turned on soon after, but Kane didn't make a single move to stop her from leaving. Abby drove away without anyone but Raven and him noticing. He kept staring at the road long after her car had vanished.

_You idiot!_

Eventually Kane's shoulders slumped. He turned around and started marching towards the others. People gave him puzzled looks as he pushed his way past them to the pub.

"Where did Abby go?" Bellamy asked Raven, noticing Kane's odd behavior.

"That goddamn moron let her go," Raven hissed, rubbing her temples.

"Huh?"

"Just wait here," she said and followed after Kane. _What the hell had he been thinking?_

When she stepped in the pub, Kane had already sat himself down on a barstool. Before he could order himself anything to numb his mind, Raven scooted next to him.

"What the hell man?" she asked.

Kane threw her a glare, and turned away in an attempt to ignore her. She insistently tapped on his shoulder.

"Remember me?"

"You're the mechanic," he said grudgingly.

"...and Abby's friend which means that you answer to me."

Just hearing the name made his expression darken.

"I have no desire to talk about her to anyone," he said, trying to signal the bartender to come to him. But Raven made a gesture of drawing her finger across her throat which made the man back off.

She continued. "No, we're definitely talking about this. Why in the holy hell would you send her away when you just got her?"

"She was never mine to have," Kane said somberly, causing Raven to scoff at him.

Just then the door opened and Octavia stepped in with others in her tow. Everyone was wearing a worried expression on.their face.

"Hi Kane, is everything alright? We saw you—," Sinclair tried.

"Not now," Kane said, burying his head in his hands. " _Please_."

"You look like a wreck," Octavia commented.

"Just leave me be," he snapped, startling the girl. Her expression tightened and she slowly shook her head. Soon the man was surrounded on all sides with concerned townsfolk looking at him in various states of concern.

"Why do you even care?" Kane asked, exasperated.

"Listen, Kane," Raven started. "Before I met you, I thought you were just a surly dickwad escaping his issues. But then you actually turned out to be a kind, sweet man, albeit a bit reserved. Abby seemed to adore you, so of course I ended up liking you too, I think everyone did. Like it or not, we care about you. And I just want to know what happened. You looked so happy with her."

Kane sighed. "Is it wrong to want to something better for your loved one than yourself?"

Raven shook her head in irritation. "No, you just made everything worse for her. I saw her cry in your arms."

"She's better off without me and will forget me after realizing it."

_"Bullshit."_

Kane set his jaw, looking down. "You wouldn't say that if you knew what I have done."

"Oh, but we do," Roan spoke up. "Abby told us everything when she first got here. And believe me, you're far from a villain."

Octavia lowered her hand on Kane's shoulder. "I get why you feel this way. Whatever you may think, I'm not just a silly little girl with mad ambitions, I'm prepared. I know what the life in the Marines can be like and how it can fuck you up. And you're still recovering. But you're not making it any easier for yourself by rejecting every chance of happiness. You can't punish yourself for the rest of your life."

Kane looked astonished at her mature words. Raven wished he would let his gaze wander across the others too and see nothing but concern and care in their eyes.

"We just want you to be happy," Raven said.

Something flickered across his features at those words. He wiped something quickly from his eyes before rising up from the chair.

"Thank you, but I should head back to my cabin," he said with a weak voice, starting to tug on his jacket. "I have some wood to chop."

"I don't think you should be alone right now," Callie said with a frown.

"I'll be fine. I've survived this far," he said with a sad, forced smile on his face.

Without sparing them one last look he turned his back to them and stepped back outside into the cold air. 

Raven's shoulders slumped in defeat. There didn't seem to be any way to help him.


	23. Chapter 23

The night between the 23rd and 24th of December it snowed heavily. Marcus woke up to a white world although he couldn't quite differentiate it from a grey one.

He worked on automation; he forced himself to get up from the bed, dress and eat a dry piece of bread. He grabbed his shovel and climbed out from the window to dig his way out. After clearing the yard he attached a plow to his tractor and chose the familiar route to the cabin near his.

Indra was already expecting him outside. "Like a clockwork," she said as Marcus came to view.

"Will you this time finally come inside after you're done?" she asked him with a sigh as Marcus started plowing the yard in systematic order.

Marcus said nothing. The quicker he was done, the quicker he could go back to bed and stay there until the next time Indra got stranded by the snow. Hopefully, it wouldn't happen for weeks. 

"So finding love really hasn't changed your attitude," Indra said gruffly.

Marcus clenched his eyes shut. Why did absolutely everyone and everything want to remind him of Abby? The radio hosts playing Sinatra's greatest hits seemed to want nothing more than to torture him. The glove Abby had left on the floor of his cabin pierced his heart just by existing.

Even the universe itself seemed to have something against him because just then the tire of the tractor got jammed on something and had no choice but step down from the vehicle and face Indra.

"Is Abby waiting for you in the cabin?" she asked as Marcus emerged out.

That surprised Marcus. Apparently, Indra hadn't been amongst the people in the pub two days ago when everyone had needlessly fussed over him.

He might as well answer bluntly because she didn't seem to be out of questions anytime soon. "She went home to spend Christmas with her family."

Indra quirked her eyebrow as if that had been the last answer she'd expected. It looked like the gears in her mind were furiously turning before she spoke up again.

"I though she was going to stay with you."

Now Marcus was confused. "How so?"

"She told me. Not directly, but I got the impression."

Marcus walked up to her, completely forgetting about the jammed tire. "What are you talking about?"

"I ran into her on a gas station near Polis two days ago. She didn't notice me at first because she was arguing with her daughter on the phone. She apparently wanted her to stay with her girlfriend who was called Alexa, I think, for Christmas. Abby said that she would be staying with you so her daughter might as well as accept her girlfriend's invitation. It was a heated conversation, and I felt bad for eavesdropping, but they seemed to reach an agreement in the end. Then Abby hung up and saw me. After some light chit-chat, I told her to have a nice Christmas, but she just looked sadly at me in return. I never understood why."

Marcus felt like his chest had compressed in half. "She's going to be alone for Christmas?" He choked out.

Indra shrugged. "All I gathered was that she wasn't going to spend it with her daughter. I'm sure she has other relatives..."

"Clarke is all she has," Marcus said, his throat feeling so tight he could barely breathe. 

"Oh. That's too bad," Indra said with a sympathetic frown on her face. Then she furrowed her brow. "Tell me again, why isn't she spending Christmas with you?"

Marcus covered his face with his hand.

"Please tell me you didn't dump her right before Christmas," Indra said with a chilly voice.

Marcus said nothing, just shook his head slowly in disbelief.

"Kane. She's a widow and a single parent _on Christmas_. You better have a hell of a good reason for this."

"It was not anything about her, it was me," he said with weak voice.

"Don't they always say that?" Indra scoffed. 

Only then, in the middle of Indra's yard on Christmas morning, Marcus was finally able to look beyond his own feelings of inferiority that had made him unable to be with her. He had treated Abby _horrendously._

She had told him that she loved him and that he was the one who made her happy. He had proceeded by not believing a word and crushing her heart a few days later. And now she was going to be alone on Christmas. 

There were two feelings battling inside him. His heart accused him of selfishness and negligence while his mind screamed at him for being delusional enough to consider that he was the reason she had canceled her plans with Clarke. A self-loathing part of him couldn't believe that he'd had so much power over her heart to devastate her in that way, but he didn't know what else to believe after what he'd heard from Indra.

 _Why, why hadn't he accepted her invitation?_  

He had to do something, but he feared that he wouldn't be welcome if he tried to find her now to apologize, or that he'd make everything worse by just staying at home. There had to be a third option. Any flimsy excuse would do.

Instinctively, his hand reached into the pocket of his jacket. He curled his fingers around Abby's glove he'd taken with him for no rational reason. Even the mere, soft feel of it caused pain in his heart, but still he found himself clutching it like a lifeline. 

"I need your car," Marcus said quickly. 

Indra lifted her brow at the request.

"I can't drive a tractor on a freeway. I need a car, any car," he explained.

"But why?"

"Abby left her glove."

Indra blinked. "What?"

"I need to get it back to her before the day is over. She needs it."

"Do you realize how insane you sound? It's an eight-hour drive for a damn glov—" 

She stopped short, and her eyes lit up as she seemed to understand something.

"This is something you really need to do, isn't it?" she asked carefully. "You need her to have it."

"It's the least I can do," Marcus said without meeting her eyes. It felt like she could see right through him.

Indra managed a weak smile. "Getting her glove back will surely make her happy."

Marcus looked down. "I can only hope so."

"Go to her then."

* * *

 

Indra had never seen a man climb more hastily into a car. Snow whirled all around as Kane stepped on the gas and took off without hesitation.

She watched him speed away while the realization that she had now no means of transportation slowly sank in. Kane had left his tractor but there was no way she was going to embarrass herself by driving that monstrous thing to the town.

She had no choice but to make some sort of arrangements since she didn't want to stay holed up in her cabin for the whole Christmas. She walked back inside to her landline to call up someone for assistance. 

First she tried Raven's cellphone, but when she didn't answer she assumed that she was in Sinclair's diner with her friends. That was the next place she called.

"How can I help you, Indra?" Raven said as Sinclair handed her the phone.

"Shouldn't you be home celebrating Christmas?" Indra asked. 

"I'm _home_ , celebrating Christmas," she chuckled on the phone with voices from the diner in the background. Indra rolled her eyes.

"I need one of your loan cars for the holidays," she explained. 

"What for?" Raven asked, puzzled. "I thought your car was fine, I just repaired it a couple of weeks ago."

"It got stolen, in a way."

Now Raven was interested. "Tell me, who was the poor soul idiotic enough to steal something from you?"

"It was Kane."

A silence.

"Did you say Kane? As in Marcus Kane?" Raven asked, incredulous.

"You heard right."

"But _why_ would he do that?"

"He apparently wanted to get to Abby for Christmas," Indra said matter-of-factly.

Even a deeper silence followed.

"You know what?" Raven said after a while. "Let me put you on a speaker."

Soon Indra was able to hear the chatter of the people around Raven as she turned on the loudspeaker. She hushed the others vigorously. "Could you say again why you needed a loan car?" she said as everyone had quieted down.

"Kane stole mine."

Now it was dead silent in the diner's end. Indra could almost hear everyone pricking up their ears.

"And why did he do that?" Raven asked eagerly. 

"He wanted to get back to Abby—"

She was met with cheers so deafening that she had to yank the receiver away from her ear.


	24. Chapter 24

Abby was, in the back of her mind, faintly aware of how sad it was to spend Christmas alone. But she'd rather die than force Clarke to stay behind in her miserable company instead of going to a ski resort with Lexa. Besides, Abby had no desire to host a dinner party, even if it was only a small one shared with her daughter and her girlfriend. She probably couldn't contribute a single word to a conversation without her voice breaking and wouldn't bear the pitying looks directed at her. She'd rather spend her Christmas alone in her pajamas and drink her head full.

She had two bottles of wine ready at hand while she watched cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies all evening. By the fourth one, her eyes glazed over.

Unable to focus, she rose up and walked up to her cabinet, searching for her photo album. She'd at least get the tears out of her system by looking at pictures of Jake. That way she could be sad about something other than Marcus. But her mind wandered to him anyway as she flicked through pages and pages of photos Jake had snapped of Iraq. 

She wished she could just rip her heart out off her chest and not feel any of this. It was painful and maddening because she should be over heartbreaks at the age of 40. She couldn't ever remember how to get over someone, she had been married to Jake for so long. And she'd so firmly believed she'd stay that way forever to ever consider that love would hit her out the left field again. Hit her, it did. She felt bruised all over without any actual damage to her physical body.

She briefly wondered if it would help if Clarke was here to rub her shoulders and tell that Marcus was an asshole who didn't deserve her. But it wouldn't be true.

He just couldn't be with her. That was what hurt her the most.

She tried to take her mind off her own false hopes by gathering all the empty bags of snacks and candy wrappers from around the couch. She couldn't stand watching the evidence of her misery any longer.

Abby had only her dressing gown and a pair of slippers on when she stepped out, dragging a trash bag in her wake. Good thing that all her neighbors were drinking eggnog with their families right now so they wouldn't see this pathetic sight.

She walked up to the trash can and flung the bag in with a thump. She hugged herself in the cold air, congratulating herself for going out at least once today. But now it was the time to retreat to the warm loneliness of her home. 

Just when she was about to walk back inside, Abby heard the low rumble of an approaching vehicle. She threw a glance over her shoulder and saw a strange car slowly pulling into her road. It only encouraged her to quicken her pace. She wouldn't want anyone to see her like this.

"Abby!"

The familiar voice made her freeze. She slowly turned around and saw that the car had been hurriedly parked in the middle of the road, its door already open and a man's leg halfway out. The rest of him hastily emerged out. 

_Marcus._

Marcus, but with dark bags under his eyes and his hair uncombed. He looked like he'd spent the whole day on the road. There was a pained flash in his eyes the second he caught the sight of her.

Abby stood petrified in her spot as he approached her with long, desperate strides. All she could manage was a weak "what are you doing here?" when he was right in front of her.

"I could ask you the same," Marcus said, his hands falling protectively to her shoulders. "It's freezing outside."

He immediately dropped his hands when Abby reacted to his touch with confusion in her eyes. 

She wished she could be angrier at him for even daring to show up. He didn't have the right to show up at her house to express concern over her lack of warm clothing after breaking her heart days ago. But it was Christmas, and Abby loved him. She wouldn't turn him away no matter what was his reasoning to interfere with her life.

"I— there's— you—  you forgot your glove," he mumbled, lifting something from his pocket. Abby felt the crease in her forehead deepen at the sight of her glove. She hadn't even noticed it was gone.

"Did you come all the way to bring me that?" she asked with a small voice. 

Marcus closed his eyes, shaking his head. "No, there was an _actual_ reason."

Abby's heart swelled up in her chest. Could it be...?

She gently wrapped her hand around his arm, giving him a warm, encouraging smile. "Come inside."

"No," he said firmly.

Abby dropped her hand. "But it's so cold."

"No, I need to say this right now, right here."

There was a sudden, sinking feeling in her stomach. There was only one reason why he wouldn't come inside; he was here to break things up for good, to snuffle the one last flicker of hope his arrival had brought into her heart. Abby couldn't believe Marcus would be so cold, but for what other reason could he be here? 

Marcus noticed Abby's hands curled up by her sides. He reached out to them and wrapped his fingers around hers firmly. She looked at their joined hands in astonishment. 

"Your hands are cold," he whispered, rubbing them with his own. He brought their entwined fingers to his lips, letting his soft breath warm them up. Abby felt a lump forming in her throat at the tender action. _Just let me out of my misery_ , she wanted to plead. 

Marcus lifted his brown eyes to meet hers. The next words he struggled to form as if he was turning them over and over in his mind before finding the courage to let them out. "My Abby..."

Her breath caught in her throat.

Marcus continued with a shaky voice. "I didn't have the faintest idea of what I was going to say to you before I got here, but as soon as I saw you, I knew what I wanted. I said 'wanted' because there's not an unselfish bone in my body right now when I look at you. I came here to throw myself at your mercy even though I have nothing to offer. I only have a cold, cramped cabin and 400 hundred dollars to my name. Even less, since most of my money went to gas on the way here."

A smile tugged at the corner of Abby's mouth at the same time it prickled behind her eyes.

"Before you say no, listen to this. I spent a lot of time thinking about Jake while I drove. He loved us both so much. It's so wrong that after his death all of that love was suddenly gone, just vanished from the world. It left a void. And I thought, if we loved each other just as much as he had us, we would fill that void and everything would be okay... Abby, why are you laughing?"

Abby couldn't help it. She was giggling, her eyes watering."You really have given this a lot of thought, huh?" she sniffled out.

Marcus' eyes filled with warmth. He gazed down at her, pressing their joined hands against his heart.

"You know me," he said softly. "I had to spend a lot of time trying to convince myself that this was the right thing to do. But I understand now... I can deny myself everything, but nothing from you. If I have even a small chance of making you happy, I want to try. For the rest of my life, I want to try to make you as happy as you have made me. If only you'll have me."

Abby's heart soared as she rose up to her tiptoes, cupping Marcus' cheek. With feather-light tenderness, she pressed her lips to his. When Marcus ardently answered, Abby brought her hand up to tangle in his curls, to angle his face into an even firmer kiss. Marcus' hands flew to the back of her head as he deepened the kiss almost desperately. 

He clutched at her like a drowning man and sought solace from her lips like a starved one. Abby ran her fingers soothingly through his hair. "Yes, yes, yes," she tried to offer him as her answer but her words were muffled by Marcus' lips again and again. He didn't seem to ever want to part, and Abby allowed him as much time he needed. 

He eventually withdrew, his breathing shaky, a dopey smile on his face. "I'm going to take that as a yes."

Abby smiled so hard her cheeks ached. She could hardly believe how quickly she had soared from perfect misery to perfect happiness. 

"It is, my love, it is."

"How am I ever going to get used to you calling me that?" Marcus breathed out in wonder.

"You better since I'm never going to let you forget that I love you. Now, let's go inside."

"I love you too," Marcus said while Abby tugged at his sleeve, trying to coax him to follow her. "Come," she tried again.

"I really do love you more than anyth—".

Abby shut him up by with a quick kiss. It stupefied Marcus enough for Abby to grab his hands and pull him inside with her.

They went on to have the most ill-prepared, but best Christmas dinner ever; they ate cold turkey and gingerbread dough straight from the bowl, enjoyed with a glass of cheap wine, laughter, and blissful kisses. Abby could taste cinnamon from Marcus' lips as he held her head in his hands, carefully, as if she was something precious. In that moment, she felt like she was. 

"I couldn't stand the thought of you spending Christmas alone," Marcus murmured as they later laid wrapped up in each other's arms. "I just hope my company is enough."

"It's everything I wished for and more." Abby said, stroking his cheek with her thumb, causing Marcus' eyes to fall closed. "How long will you stay?" she asked softly as if she didn't already know the answer. She just needed to hear it one more time. 

Marcus whispered his one-word promise to her ear, and Abby lowered her head on his shoulder with quiet happiness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I actually managed to finish this. Wow. What a ride.
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who kept commenting, you're a blessing! I'm also grateful for all who took their time to read this story. Please let me know what you thought of this fic as a whole. 
> 
> Merry Christmas everyone x


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